CHAPTER
4: TRUST BUT VERIFY: Don't be certain be, careful first
The best defense is a
prepared defense. Avoiding being played is the best option. It takes
some time and effort to setup initially but is your insurance that
years of your life will not be spent paying back for someone else's
messy cost. It's like having your identity stolen and you know who
did it, but they might get off “Scott Free”.
There are key areas to look
at and enure their security:
Finances,
Personal habits,
Communication (phone
records, emails, Social Networks and even notes)
These three tell a very
revealing story. Here are some items to watch and methods of
monitoring.
1.
Credit Report: This one can cost you dearly not only in
your credit score, but in the credit-lines that might be abused.
BAD:
Average Joe was working away at work and everything seemed
fine. Spend thrift Sarah on the other hand decided it would be a good
idea to get a new shiny credit card from one of those mail offers.
Two weeks later, the card shows up and Sarah takes it for a drive.
Small purchases initially, but as time goes on she gets more lack.
Joe finds out! Sarah promises to no do it again. A few months pass
and you notice something new in the mail by chance you got to it
early. Sarah some how racked up $5,000 in credit card debt. Some of
her relaxation time appears to be at a new condo big enough for two
...
BETTER:
Smart Sam was working hard, but still minded his credit
report. Using a free service that emails him if anything changes for
the better or worse. In fact smart Sam knew his wife (God bless her)
was not always that disciplined in finances, so he ensured he would
be notified if any credit line requests where made by adding a fraud
alert to his credit report by calling up the 3 main credit agencies.
It took a little time and he only had to do it once for 2 years worth
of coverage. Sam did not worry about Sarah or someone stealing his
information from the mail.
DEFENSE:
Put an alert on your credit report with the credit agency, make sure
they have to call you if anything new is opened.
2.
Investment and Bank accounts: We might often look at our
checking account but might over look our saving or investment
accounts being depleted.
DEFENSE:
Modern Online banking allows Alerts to be sent upon certain
actions. Set a low balance alert and email your self. Also ensure
authorization and passwords are known by you and you alone. On joint
accounts only keep minimum and do not moved money in there ever
unless it must be.
BAD:
Average Joe was having a bang-up year and got a big tax return! He
had finally got some saving in the bank, but Sarah “Spend Thrift”
decided there where secure enough and thought she better use it up
before it's all just spent up by Average Joe. She takes out a few
cash withdrawals. A few hundred dollars here and there. Some at the
gas station and some at the grocery store. Those sure were expensive
eggs Joe thinks. The money is gone.
BETTER: Smart Sam
also got a bonus at work. It went into his individual account at the
credit union. When the money was in Sam got an email from his bank on
his Smart phone a deposit over $1000 went in. He also gets his
balance regularly if it ever drops below $5000. When he received an
email that his account dropped below $5000 in his savings. He checked
his bank account to ensure the transfer to his stock trading account
was completed. He transfer there usable share into there Joint
account and Sam said to Sarah, I got a raise at work would you like
to sit down and see what we'd like to do to spoil ourselves? We've
both worked hard.
3.
Credit Card account: Like many of us we get checks in the
mail for cash advance on credit cards all the time. This can easily
cost thousands of dollars.
BAD:
Average Joe picks up the mail every once in a while and rips up the
offers for credit cards. Him and Sarah have one credit card and
recently it's limit was increased! Good new, right! Sarah looks at
this new limit like they just received $1000 they can spend and comes
back with a few new things she says you really need. You notice she
spent up the past 6 months of paying the credit card down and you
start once again. The interest kicks-in 3 months from now and at the
rate you are paying it off, you might as well have paid double for
the items she bought. Few times of this and you $15000 in credit card
debt some expenses you needed but a lot you did not. You paying
minimum payments, but the bill keeps getting higher. Sarah unhappy
your being such a scrooge decides you've changed and talks about
divorce. The credit card is joint and she has no income. The judge
says you have to pay it and she gets to keep half of what she has not
consumed yet well you get ½ of things you never wanted. Joe thinks
Bankruptcy is about all he can do.
BETTER:
Smart Sam get mail but not as much since he called the major
solicitors not to send credit card offers in the mail. Sam has a
credit card in his name and Sarah has one in her's. They never get a
joint credit card and Sam does not make Sarah an authorized user of
his credit card. Some credit card companies insist you have both
people names to ensure the debt. If this is the case get Sarah her
card and be the authorized user of it. If this does not work a joint
account with Sam OR Sarah maybe possible, just wait a month or 2 to
change Sam into an Authorized user from the Joint OR user. Sam
decides this is to much work unless he really needs that credit limit
and Sarah can be responsible and held responsible for her charges.
DEFENSE:
Ensure your accounts are not Joint if they are try to move them to
accounts in our spouses name and you as an authorized user. This
ensures all liability is on them. Else make sure its your name OR
your spouse and not your name AND your spouse. This ensures you can
be dropped off or close the account with no need to inform the other
person.
4.
Phone Bills: most spouses may not even know every number
they dial is recorded by the phone carrier. In fact many are sorted
by frequency and length of the call. All relationships tend to
increase in communication over time especially when they are getting
serious.
BAD: Average Joe
gets a paper bill in the mail and pays the bill every month like he
should. Some months are more then others. The bill in fact this month
was DOUBLE $150. Sarah has been texting a lot and suggests they get
the deluxe plan and it should not happen again. Joe does it and pays
the bill again just another $30 a month at least not $150, right?
Well, Sarah starts going out and ignoring Joe. She walks out even at
times to take a call or text. When Joe asks whose she talking to she
says a friend. You ask to see the conversation, in curiosity and
Sarah says well I delete my texts. There just get to be to many on
there. A few months pass and Sarah starts leaving. Joe notices things
are changing attitude but just can't figure out what's going on with
Sarah. Joe comes home one day to find Joe Blow at his house. Sarah
states she wants a divorce and wants to be with Joe Blow.
BETTER: Smart Sam
checks his phone bill at-least once a month. He has a good plan, but
like to know he's getting a good deal. If there is a cheaper plan, he
tries to get it. Sarah also is on his plan. Sam checks the call
history the same time he is going to pay the bill. The site has call
and/or text volumes and calls durations by telephone numbers on the
plan. Sam knows the major numbers they call since they are part of
their calling circle. If Sam sees a trend of a lot of calls or long
calls, he figures out who the calls or texts are being made too. They
all check out and Sam goes on with his day.
DEFENSE:
Get your own personal access to all cell phone or telephone accounts.
Generate a call list report from the provider for the past few
months. Note the top callers and top texters they might not be the
same. Identify the callers to weed out any one that's beyond
suspicion (aka Mom, Dad, ect... Don't rule out your friends). You
many even be able to block numbers. This may be useful upon ejecting
from the relationship to not allow warning.
5.
Email: A lot can go on through email, but not as much as
social networks. The importance of your spouses email account
username and passwords allows access to many other account password
resets and logins. You can also check the sent history.
BAD: Average Joe has
a separate email from Sarah Spend-Thrift. Joe uses his email mainly
for talking to his friends and never Sarah. Sarah on the other hand
spends a lot of time on the couch typing away. Joe many times comes
home to her tying away. He never really gets a chance to know what is
being typed or who its going too. Sarah just confirms she is talking
to friends or paying bills. One day Joe opens the computer to a
popular email/search site but does not notice he is already logged in
as Sarah. Joe sees some interestingly named Titles in the inbox with
flattery from some guy he does not know.
BETTER: Smart Sam
uses E-mail a lot since he is getting Alerts from his bank and credit
report. In fact he has helped out Sarah on occasion and has setup a
password reminder and himself as the receiver. In case of emergencies
Sam is available to get the password to the account and login for
Sarah. In fact Sam was able to login via his smart-phone quickly to
insure the sent mail was not piling up . WINK. WINK. In fact some
important e-mails Sam set a filter to forward to himself just in case
they might get accidentally deleted.
DEFENSE:
Make sure you know the challenge questions to account information.
This will allow you to reset passwords if needed. If you really want
to be crafty email does not get deleted if you login say from your
phone with there username and password, but be careful as it will
display like they are online. Which many sites have a way to turn
off. Email forwarding may also be a possibility, but first make a
alias account as to not be track back to you.
6.
Social Networking: Social networking is just as bad a the
phone now a days, but much harder to keep track of and sort through
even assuming you had access. They could be showing the rest of the
world what they are up to but just blocking you from seeing it.
BAD: Average Joe has
an account on one of those Social Networks “BaceBook” Typo intended. He goes
on every once in a longtime and sees what friends know him. He is up
to 20! Sarah is also his Friend on the site but she knows he never
goes on. Sarah states talking to an old guy friend from High School.
We luck he's in town. Using here messaging only they can see their
conversation. Sarah posts to here page. “An old friend is in town.
Hoo Ray!!! “. Of course Joe never knows. In fact Sarah blocked Joe
from most posts she does because it allows here and her girl friends
to chat. Sooner or later, wow, the guy is over at the house and what
good friends Sarah is with him!
BETTER: Smart Sam
has an account as well. He is pretty connected as he like to be in
the know. He has 160 friends and like dropping smart thoughts and
observations for others to comment on. Sarah is his friend. In fact
Sam helped setup her account or her and showed her some neat tricks.
Sm is the backup email just in case Sarah forgets her password which
she so often does. Sam checked if Sarah had locked out her account as
he often does for her and saw she like to swap recipes with her
friends. Sam got her fancy cookbook and asked if she'd like to cook
together sometime.
DEFENSE: If you have
the password and user name just like email, you can login at the same
time and status your self offline. You will receive everything they
do. Note silent the sound as to not bring suspicion. If you do not
have the password, you might have the challenge questions and this is
the importance of the email account.
7.
Physical location: I'd be careful about this one. You
might be classified as stocking (but heck the NSA does it), but for those that are tech savvy it
is possible to use the GSP in a smart phone along with some apps to
ping where someone is at.
BAD: Average Joe
takes Sarah's word for it. If it took 300 miles/4 hours to get
groceries that what it took. If the bank says $500 in gas a month
well that's what it takes. Average Joe just starts to realized
nothings getting done and we really need to see if we can get that
car fixed and maybe go shopping at a different time.
BETTER: Smart Sam
has a smart phone. In fact Sarah has one too. Both have a tracking
application that makes sure that if the phone is lost they can go on
and see exactly where the phone might be. From time to time since
Sarah can get lost, Sam looks and see's if Sarah is near where she
meant to go.
DEFENSE: Install the
program use it to your advantage to be where they are not and get
what you need. Can also do a lie detector test by seeing where they
are verse where they say they are.
8.
Personal habits: People are sloppy especially when they
are close to jumping ship from you. Improving ones appearance and not
for you is pretty hard to hide unless they are sneaking out different
cloths, perfume and markup.
BAD: Average Joe
sees Sarah is getting things done around the house and really seems
to be getting happier. She started wearing perfume, chewing gum and
taking more showers. Joe thinks well there is a site. Maybe he and
her can go out? Oh no, Sarah announces she'd like to go out on the
town with her girlfriends. Joe think well she did work really hard
and how can he say know she looks like a dream.
Sarah comes back late. She
surprises Joe, but is a little tipsy. Joe thinks what the heck. A few
more times of this and Sarah just says she's tired and want to take a
shower and go to bed. She is sore.
BETTER: Smart Sam
sees the hygiene of Sarah is improving. He compliments her and tells
her how much he loves to kiss her no matter here breath or clothes or
hair. He is proud of her hard work and would love to take her out on
the town dancing! In fact they go with a nice couple they both enjoy.
They have a great time and at the end of the night they share a
special kiss as he reassures her how much he loves her and how
grateful he is to have here in his life.
DEFENSE: Many times
when they come home they forgotten and need to hit the shower to
clean up anything let behind. Also they may have left a mess in the
car. That might tell a story of more then one person: receipts, cups,
gum wrappers, and smells. Odds are the car still smells as they were
sitting in it coming home or going when it smelled the way it does.
Also do the laundry lot of people forget they just stuffed that
receipt in there back pocket.
Remember, some spouses want
to get caught. There is a thrill factor to cheating that hiding and
lying are exciting and new. They more emotion the better. To keep it
up at that level it must become more and more public and risky to be
satisfying. A fling 5 mins before you come home. Just imagine they
are fulfilling some fantasy they see in those soaps. They start
thriving on drama to make there lives like them to be adventurous.
Note: Like a shinny toy
everything gets old especially if this is your type of spouse. They
will not be satisfied or happy for long since they only focus short
term like a person doing crack. They will be looking for another fix
soon enough.
