Continued ........
Four,
your spouse or girlfriend is jobless, penniless and/or not looking
for work. It's a sign of financial irresponsibility. Even worse down
the road if you just accept they don't need to be responsible,
most likely you will be forced into SPLITTING ASSETS, SUPPORTING
THEIR LIFESTYLE and/or PAYING FOR YOUR OWN KIDS YOU DON'T GET TO SEE
that can surpass the length of your relationship and take away years
of your life.
For example:
Sarah has a
minimum wage job when you met her and you get married. You go to work
as the bread winner for your family and start building your dreams
together. You start to notice Sarah does not seem to be able to keep
a job for a long time, but what she really wants is to be a home
maker and start a family. Joe thinks I'm not sure if we are ready,
but who knows it's our life and dives on. Sarah becomes pregnant and
no longer works. Nine months later little Joe Jr. is born. Sarah
decides to breast feed and stays home with the baby. Joe works
overtime and even gets a second job to help out. He is not home as
much as he would like but knows his family needs him. After about 1.5
years later, adding that 9 months in its been almost 2 and 1/2 years.
Sarah and Joe are working on being parents and have went through a
big change and a lot of hard work. Joe is still working hard as ever
when Sarah drops they are pregnant again. Once more the cycle
continues. So nearly 5 years pass and Sarah and Joe have 2 children.
Sarah and Joe have had some good times and hard times. But recently
harder than normal. Joe's been working tons and Sarah and the kids
are spending even more money just on living expenses. Joe talks to
Sarah about scaling back, but she does not stop. Sarah starts moving
more toward being more outgoing and getting babysitters to go out
instead of spending the only time she has with Joe, she avoids him.
They start growing distant. They seem to disagree on things, money
and kids. Sarah asks for sometime to spend outside the budge but many
times she just does. Later she dabbles with the thoughts and words of
divorce. “We fight all the time”, “We just don't agree on
anything”, “Your unreasonable and uncaring about your family”
she says. They do everything required to make it work they think, but
divorce seems to be the path Sarah is choosing. She even has a best
friend of the same sex. It's over. Joe goes to the lawyer to find; 7
years have passed. He's must split everything that is Marital
property in half. His unemployed wife still needs money to keep her
standard of living to not shock the child say $800 a month . Sarah
also needs money for the kids maybe $1000 a month. Joe's income from
working all those hours was pretty good 75k a year. He's finds out he
will be paying her 1/3 of it so his “Do Nothing” can do just
that. Joe has a sad face and a lot of long days ahead of him plus
$15k of medical/credit card/house bills his wife ranked up that since
he had the income he is responsible for.
Is there any wonder why the single
family income is dead? Our legal system allows your spouse to have
Authority to do whatever they want with NO accountability to their
actions. In fact they get a paycheck for not working. This is the
same mentality people abusing Social Security use that have no plan
on being employed. Your spouse should be a Dream Builder and not a
dream taker!
Note: There
is nothing wrong with planning a family, but it is just that. If you
can not plan together and work together to accomplish the goal or any
goal; don't expect it to start down the road with out a cliff at the
end. You may have a spouse that can not achieve goals together. That
is not a good place to have children. You are risking this being your children's future Mom.
Five,
your spouse or girl friend has low ambitions (also can be from low
self image) and want to just tag along. They may have all the words
in the world but no deeds or follow thru. Remember if your dragging
someone early in the relationship odds are you will be dragging them
later. It's a sign of co-dependence.
For example:
Joe met Sarah at a party and thought
she was amazingly stunning. They started dating. Joe could not get
enough time with Sarah. She had responsibilities, but Joe helped her
out with them so they could run off.
Later, Sarah got a job, but would skip
out to hangout with Joe. They were going to do something great and
they just missed each other so much that Sarah asked if they could
move in together into Joe's place. Joe goes to work and Sarah tries
to get a job “she likes” again. She soon finds her self pregnant
as they where not trying to prevent it. Sarah's family steps in. Joe
and Sarah are just kids. The parents will foot the bill, but Joe is
out of luck as Sarah is made to break up and Joe needs to stay
employed to start paying child support. Joe pays and pays and the
cycle starts again.
Six,
a valuable lesson was learned about ways men are trapped without
choice after having children and origins of the title of the book
“Shutting Down Mom Inc.” comes from. Many of these
chapters are effective in relieving facts about unraveling this
observation. Most importantly beware girls/women that say “I
just want to be a mom!”. It's like saying “I just want a
House”. It's not a jobs title. It's a responsibility that they
should be equally accountable for. Unlike popular statements that
mom's are under paid, Mom Inc. pays very well if you divorce
Dad the bread winner especially with Mommy friendly laws and
a couple of kids. Even better when she gets the house the kids stay
in. And even better when she has no responsibility to any of the
marital debt because she did not produce any income during you
marriage.
Saying “I just want to be a mom”
is the same as saying I want to be jobless and you take care of
me! Can I be your kids? My mom and dad won't pay for me anymore.
Seven,
Spouse is abnormally mood swings (maybe suddenly happy or angry with
no prompt (aka they are harboring feeling and thoughts) but when
confronted they dismiss it. This is a sign of weakness in your
relationship that can be exploited by others or just plain be
uncovered by your spouse. If someone guessed your spouse was angry
she might feel perfectly led to be emotionally available to others
with no good intentions when that person should be you. A well
positioned person can capitalize in a moment and normally does,
because there is no defense. Even if its a medical condition it still
is going to rip your heart open when you find out they cheated on you
in a moment of weakness and in fact they have lots of moments of
weakness. I've hear some say “we don't believe in Divorce”, but I
promise you its as real as day and in black and white happening
everyday of every year. Divorce is not the sin. Divorce did not
cause the pain. It just acknowledging its existence and your desire
to not wanting to live in it.
Eight,
most obvious, if your spouse sees no problem with non-professional
male friends.
I'm sorry guys we all have the same
thoughts and biological drives deep down. Even a pastor of a church
does not want to be in that position. Even some women can be this
driver. Bad influences can surround them and tell them what they want
to hear and not what they need to hear.
For Example:
Sarah
and Joe are having a hard time and Sarah starts venting to her good
friends. Others over hear her and her difficulties and offer to buy
the poor lady a drink on them. The guy starts off and enters into the
conversation and sympathizes/empathizes with her. Sarah thinks “wow,
we have a lot in common”. The guy could be completely making it up
or not either way the door has been opened and has displayed a place
to invest emotionally that is not effort placed toward building Joe
and Sarah's relationship. Sarah and Joe have been divided at a point
of weakness.
Words of advice:
Some people feel
obliged to forgive and forget (as best they can) cheating. But there
is an issue with this. The cheater needs to be held accountable in
the future. Just like an alcoholic should not have a liquor cabinet
stocked with liquor and if your spouse really understands the damage
they have done they will realized its permanent and they must openly
embrace the problem and accept they need help to deal with it. So
often we just give them back everything and pretend nothing happened.
Forget that. It's Christian to forgive but not get killed inside
unless its in defense of your Christian beliefs as a martyr. Adultery
is grounds Biblically for divorce. God hates it, we hate it, but its
reality. Do not feel guilty.
Scriptures:
Proverbs 27:16
(Referring to a quarrel some wife)
restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the
hand.
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