CHAPTER 2: Guilt

CHAPTER 2: Guilt

You may feel a lot of this through the process. Most importantly you can jump off the bus at anytime. Set this book down and no one will be the wiser. From my experience information is a tool and can be used how ever you want to or just set in the toolbox. It's important to realize your feelings are real, they are normal and in healthy relationships can be addressed without lasting conflict.

If you have been direct, open, and lovingly honest about your feelings with your spouse or girlfriend about your concerns, and are being ignored/misunderstood and you can accept that you may be fine.

But your reading this because honest to God something is making your “spidy” sense tingle. Concern is not something to feel guilt about... repeat that (even out loud), don't accept anything else. It's like feeling guilty for locking your door at night. “But no one has ever broken in?” your spouse says. But you know on the news there is a serial killer roaming the streets. Concern can be a form of love. People that don't concern have nothing invested. If your name is on T.V. as the next victim that's what ignorance buys you. This does not mean live in fear and worry. It means take the need steps that are reasonable to protect you and your spouse temptation.

God made all of you. You are the way you are (a lot of men think the exact same way, you are not alone) with your instincts intact. You determine when to put this to rest and odds are your spouse is not going to admit, see it as an issue nor make it go away for you. You must! So prove it to yourself.

Now before you go in be aware there are numerous responses to deflect your concerns and many eject mechanisms that can try to derail you.

Some options your spouse may employ:

1. Trying to isolate you, make you feel like your the one with the problem, anyone else's advice is a sign of weakness and is ridiculed, lies are stated, or false rumors are spread
2. Retreat, crying in avoidance, stop communicating, become defensive, make assumptions, lying (passive aggressive)
3. Yell, stop performing their obligations, read into things, become just pain mean and disrespectful with out warrant

There is a gambit of other methods of getting their way and avoiding topics. The better they know your buttons the better they press them. Be aware! Truth does not need much of a defense and love is a good enough motivation for action. Remember if your saying your hurt, a liars always has an answer and always will shift blame, but they can not stand scrutiny of the facts and outside independent observation. You may notice a lack of remorse as they do not have the emotion invested in you to care or concern.

The ideal hope is to put it to rest. Your values you share are critical to bonding your relationship, if you both agree that "Truth and Openness" is important in the relationship or marriage, you might be able to get by with a 10 minute conversation conveying mutual understanding every once in awhile and discusses differences to a respectful outcome. Your love for one another should be strong enough for this and is preferable to be that strong before you consider a long term relationship.

Odds are your past this point since your reading this book. So as you proceed remember, dark things when brought into the light tend to ignite like vampires in the noon-day sun. You begin to really see them. You must get ready for it if your going to test it. Have your tools in hand because you don't know what type of mess lies in wait.

Scriptures:

Job 24:13,15,17 (NIV) "There are those who rebel against the light, who do not know its ways or stay in its paths... The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; she thinks, 'No eye will see me,' and she keeps her face concealed... For all of them, deep darkness is their morning; they make friends with the terrors of darkness."

1 Cor 4:5b (NIV) He will bring into the light of day all that at present is hidden in darkness, and he will expose the secret motives of their hearts.

Trust Activity:

“Understanding your feelings and discussing them”

If you never have, sit down and have a heart to heart. If you have done this with your spouse or girlfriend and it went no where, it's still important to do it. If you need time to understand your feelings write them down and allow yourself time to develop them. If your more of a talking type speak to someone neutral like a Pastor and not anyone that can take advantage of a weakness in your relationship.

(Optional)

Later with your spouse or girl friend:

• Check if you can do a relationship building exercise

• Spend 5 minutes writing what's on your heart about yourself (take or give more time as needed)
• Discuss the thoughts taking turns and being understanding that their feelings maybe different then yours, but are just as real.
• Try to take small achievable steps and find middle ground if it exists.
• Take 5 minutes every few days and decrease the frequency if things improve.
• Add to it; steps and at least one short term promise to fulfill will help rebuild or reinforce your trust. Encourage any attempt.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.