CHAPTER 14: Reducing or Eliminating Alimony with the will of iron

CHAPTER 14: Reducing or Eliminating Alimony with the will of iron

Hell has no words to describe the place where you are in love yet there is no one to love you. She in fact wants to move her lover right into your house. She wants him to be with your kids and sleep in your bed. If this is not a maddening thought I don't know a person that could possibly disengage their mind from these thoughts. He might be an angel, but to you he is the devil incarnate. Now to again do something it makes no sense in your emotion mind to do. Let him in and catch them in the act.

What the HELL are you talking about? You might be saying. Why the hell would you let this guy breathe the same air you breathe? In fact you have a bullet with his name in graved on it. Well, the answer is simple and always the same. Money! Your relationship is gone. Revenge is for the lord. This process is about getting on with your life an you can not do that is you just want vengeance. It is also a good reminders that vengeance is best in the form of a more successful and fruitful life. You can not do that if the person that ruined your life can continue to do so.

The point is get proof, pictures and whatever is iron clad proof not to yourself, but a judge. Ask your lawyer what you need. If your agreement is not yet signed. You may have time ask. This evidence is a perfect negotiating item. IF you need to buddy buddy up with this new guy. Smile and nod. It's about screwing him over. Really, the truth is a relationship made out of a secret love affirm rarely lasts longer then the money that fueled it. Life sets in and people have to go to work. The same half-a$$ed effort given in your marriage will be the same half-a$$ed effort given in the relationship. Remember, your spouse sent all there energy doing what ever they wanted and I out they spent anytime improving there chances out in the real world other then trying to get whatever they can from you.

So what type of money? Possible any amount of Alimony that you would have been obligated to pay. Well, what if you live in a “No Fault State”? No fault does not mean truly no fault. Alimony has many factors that play into the number. Is there a calculation? NO! So where does it come from? It's a negotiated number, so it can be everything or as would be more beneficial nothing. In the eyes of a court evidence of cheating and spending on cheating can show your spouse was not making any attempt in the relationship and deserves nothing more then her new Boy Toy. I would suggest not rewarding infidelity and making sure you use the blatant display of affection to your benefit.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

Chapter 13: Timing of your break-up is important

Chapter 13: Timing of your break-up is important

As they say on Deal or No Deal(R), this game is about timing and luck. Okay, so it's not much of a game, and over all this really sucks, but it is true there definitely can be winners and losers. Timing for jumping ship is important. Why? One word, Alimony. Do you want to pay for your spouse for the rest of her life well she get a other man, for a next year or like I would expect not at all.

So timing, what about timing. What time, relationship? Occupancy? Marriage? Well states may differ and this is a good point to ask a lawyer. Most importantly the time you are in the relationship floating on a life raft may actually be working against you. For example some judges and states define for the rest of your life keeping her in her same condition after 7 years. That's right 7. You can fall asleep and end-up there. Two years of bliss. Four of building a family and a home and one of pure hell trying to make it work and your there.

There is a reason a lot of marriage give up after 2 years. If no strings attached seems like a good deal, then you know what they were thinking. Don't commingle your funds. Don't make any large purchases with that person and you will find yourself in the seat of power. You still have decision making power.

Next, your credit and the rest of your life may be being effected dramatically if your spouse decided to start maxing out the credit cards and robbing you blind. Well you are married these activities are shielded under your name and even though fraudulent it is impossible to hold them to there activities if your finances are together.

The separation agreement is YOUR the red flag you can throw down. It says you just try and defraud me. Your going to jail and/or your going to pay. We are both aware that we are splitting. If you start pulling money out left and right you are going to be exposed to the full force of the law. No more hiding in the dark and using you name. 

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 12: Get a lawyer you trust

CHAPTER 12: Get a lawyer you trust

Unless you have had legal matters in the past odds are you only know how to find a lawyer by looking on billboard signs or in that historical book called the “Yellow Pages”. But, who are these guys? How do you know you will be treated any different.

You are putting a large portion of your money on the line now and in your future.

• Alimony
• Child support
• Your Childrens' Education
• Medical bills
• Insurance
• Taxes
• Your Home
• Your Car
• Custody
• Visitation on scheduling
• Where you live
• Hours of your life transporting

Get reference if you can. If your parents or friends are local, it's possible they may have had or know someone with this expertise. You also want someone that meets your needs. If you have kids a Divorce Lawyer may do just that and no more. A Family Law lawyer is a better fit and should consider both the divorce and the custody matters.

Not all lawyers require payment for the first visit to discuss the possible impacts of the divorce.

Schedule some appointments with different ones if you can. It is well worth finding the right person you can deal with, you feel is honest and you can communicate clearly too.

Also it's important to understand the first visit is free, but a lawyers time is far from free. May the best of it.

List of To Do:

1. Be on time

The lawyers time is valuable and anything you don't get answered will cost

you later. Get there and be polite. This person may be your savory.

2. Organize the important items: Assets (Houses, Cars, IRA/401k),

Debts (Credit Cards,Mortgages, Loans ect) , Children,

Situation of Spouse and their income

Get a folder and also make a summery for the lawyer and

have it organized on a piece of paper

3. Know what you want and what's worth fighting for

Emotions are out the door at this point is all about how much of a

financial impact this will have on your life. It's all on the table now.

For Example:

Rental property which is $150k with a $50k potential increase

or your Primary property which is $200k and is underwater $100k

Your going to have to sit down and look at the numbers, you might not need a big house with a big monthly payment, but if you have a lot of equity, it might be good to sell later and make sure you can do it in writing and the profits are yours. Note: primary residences are a big deal when there are children involved. You might not be able to get the primary residence, because it would disrupt your children. This can be a big shock. You may not have known living in the underwater house could have saved you $50k, but you got the short end of the stick.

OR

$2,000 TV or 10,000 401k

(that will pay off later but has tax implication now)?

You might be able to negotiate the TV value for reduced split of

your 401k and convince the decreased value of future money verse

the quickly depreciating technology.

OR

$700/m for 2 child support with Medical Bills split 50%

or $300/m per child + Medical Bills 100% you.

Well, if you have 2 children you might be tempted to take the second option since its less monthly for the number you can see. $600 ($300X2) is less the $700, but what you don't see is your ex-spouse can you the Emergency room as much as she wants and you have to pay for it. So $1,000 medical bill for that bruised knee and your decision does not look that good. By splitting or your spouse taking full responsibility for

medical it does the most important thing of making their decisions effect

them.

*** The Above can happen with one of many items. You goal needs to be to ensure there is nothing you blindly have unlimited responsibility for

something you don't decide.

- Some areas: Medical, Travel, Activities, Schooling, Insurance Expenses

*** Lawyers fight for what you tell them to, they are smart enough to not give advice they are not requested to give. Be direct and specific. They can not make financial decisions for you, but they can tell you the areas to focus your attention.

4. Plan your strategies and reasoning to disarm your spouse

If you have a plan you can avoid emotions that might make your spouse lash out

and disarm them. In fact you can always play ignorant and innocent like you

don't know what your don't and this is all just normal standard stuff. It really does

not matter after the words are printed and names are signed.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 11: If Divorce is inevitable

CHAPTER 11: If Divorce is inevitable

(nothing I do works, physical and mental string are being cut)

Your having a feeling of hopelessness set in:

1. You feel like no matter the amount of effort there is no lasting difference being made

2. You are certain she is cheating in fact she might even have told you. (Get the proof as stated in prior chapters, it will help you)
3. No remorse. No concern for anyone's feeling but their own. In fact it might as well all be your fault.
4. All conversations lead to fights.
5. Every conversation is one that is full of assumptions and intentional reading into.
6. She'd rather it be over, she wants a separation or mentioned divorce.

It's time to realize that your spouse is cutting the mental and physical strings in the relationship and only one member needs to do this in order for the relationship to be over. Typically first small emotional strings are cut then follows small physical strings. They will test there limits further and further. They may even rationalize you not catching them as a sign you do not care (self justifying). The rational does not need to make logical sense it just needs to be justified to allow the emotions involved not to overwhelm them with anger, confusion and/or frustration. Small acts like meeting a friend you don't approve over. Going out to a place you don't approve of. Spending money on activities you both had agreed was not a good way to spend the money wisely. These will increase and erode all trust until they betray you completely for someone else that condones their actions, in fact they probably are praised for them by these other people.

Cheating is an emotional and physical. It's not normally the first step in the breaking apart a relationship, but it almost always is the turning point where a decision in your spouses head occurs that they can not rationalize without thinking they might not love you.

After cheating for the first time they may have an internal conflict where they are required to separate themselves form any feeling of remorse. They must bury there memories and any evidence. This includes any reminder of their actions that they feel are condemning. There concern or care that their natural instincts tell them to use must be muted. They stop fighting because they realize there is nothing they want worth fighting for. They might even blame you for not saving them form their own actions.

If your spouse has come clean about cheating it is a great mental relief to them and it will dismiss a lot of anger as they now feel free clear to put their affairs out in the open (at least that one) even if your still hurt. Remember your feelings did not matter, it was the struggle in their head. It was an internal struggle in your spouse to do what should be naturally right, you had very little to do with it. At best they have a false reasoning that they did not want to hurt you (when they clearly did already). The fact is you were hurt the entire time. They worned the relationship and let it wander around like a wounded animal. If they are coming clean not provoked they may be secure enough with their other relationship to cut you as as a safety net.

If you valiantly stood by in this process hoping your spouse would see the error in their ways, odds are it's the 11^th hour and you don't have a plan. You might be in big trouble as your spouses plan is in full swing. They may have already been to a women friendly lawyer and digging for information to ensure they get everything that can, well using puppy dog eyes on you saying “I'm trying my bestist”! It's time to mobilize the troops and prepare for war, but this has to be a war of wits and cleverness and not one of words and vengeful action.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 10: Modern counseling. It is the man's fault

CHAPTER 10: Modern counseling. It is the man's fault

Poor counseling starts with the assumption “So many times its the man's fault, so it's the man's fault until we get this sorted out.”. What you did not know is sorting it out may take years. So as much as you know it's your fault; Lies and Crappy Counseling is what I say. If they are doing their job they are objective and fair in discussing topics and talk time.

Remember counseling works just like advice. If the person you are looking for to reconcile with is not willing to give the effort. Someone telling them they should give the effort most likely is just a waste of time. They have made up their mind. The only reason they are there is either to check off a box that looks like they tried or because they respect the person giving advice.

So I'm in the room and she is spewing lies and emotions like she was kidnapped and beaten.

Answer: Let her vent, let the counselor see her uncontrolled and un-dealt with anger and rage. See what contradictions come-up. Pay attention to her but don't start a conversation as it might heat up. After they are done throw water on the fire, when it's your turn apologize she feels that way, and comfort her concerns by stating you never meant to making her feel that way or show and act to make her think that. Take your own notes to ensure you are engaged. Just sitting most people just zone out and look disinterested.

Note: If it's never your turn; make it known you do not feel you are being represented.

Later calmly reaffirm your love and dedication to the relationship, and disregard all the lies in-front of your councilor and see what happens.

Note: what you say will not be listened to by your spouse, but it is important to actively listen to them.

Your emotions will be ignored by your spouse. The psychologist/counselor should be a rational people, trying to use reason to untangle this emotional mess. They respect if you to are rational and if you are sincere and show controlled emotion (healthy), thus you are complete. The conclusion therefore is “it's must be the other person's issue” and the focus will shift more onto them. The more they are talking the more items they must be dealing with. You goal is to as kindly as you can stand-back and let them speak. The focus should be how you feel when you speak and not how you think the other person is, feels, or thinks. Always act as though you are just interested in your spouses opinion on your thoughts.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 9: Pressured into House or Children ( OR any other large financial decision)

CHAPTER 9: Pressured into House or Children ( OR any other large financial decision) 

 

If you ever get the pleasure of going to a timeshare presentation where high pressure sales tactics are employed, you understand the feelings involved and the players at the table. If we were single it would just be you verse the sale-man and you could tell him to piss-off and that you'd like your free Cruise and $20 gas gift voucher now. This process becomes that much more difficult when you add your spouse. Especially if your spouse does not realize they are starting to support the sale-mans point of view and know you have the sale-man who you could give a crap about, but next to him is your wife with puppy dog eyes saying sure we can afford that we have … (fill in the blank with all the stuff you should not tell a random stranger)! The fastest I've ever been in and out was when I told them I have no job and came for the free food. The point here is that your spouse greatly influences your decisions.

One thing to remember is that large financial decisions just like going out to eat might temporarily be satisfying but, its just like a band-aid over a cut off hand. Unless you get to the hospital your are not going to live that long and unlike it being you hurt in a relationship you must both be convinced its a good idea to go to the hospital! Sadly when you arrive at the hospital you find out you guys are the doctor, nurse and the staff.

The Second and by far more important item to remember is that these decisions can have long term effects that are bad if your relationship does not make it. This is why its important to have a strong and a track record of success in financial matters before diving into even more. Large finical decisions will have long term effects on how quickly you can recover from a bad relationship or marriage. For example, you decided to buy your first house. Great! So you have a 30 year commitment. Not bad considering your 100 or so year commitment to your spouse. Things don't seem to be working out as you thought. They don't seem to be the person you thought they were or you are having to try to make them be the person you thought they were and they are not doing it (liking it) freely. So you start wooing her again buying more things to make her happy. Say a puppy. Well, what she really has been pressing you on is getting that house and stop throwing our money way in renting. So you decide she's right and buy the closest thing to a dream house you can to make her happy. A little time goes on and she's back at it wanting to fill that house. But what about those extra rooms... it's time to have a Baby! You look at the finances and they don't look that good, but you think you know she will stick it out as long as we have each other. Sure, she agrees! You have your first kids. A miracle! Your hunkering down at work, your a family man now. You have to ensure those kids can be taken care of. You get that promotion with a few extra hours. You come home and your wife wants you to spend more time with the family. So you start coming home earlier, stop volunteering as much to go over and above and start working at home. You start taking care of the kids more. Your relationship is a little bit more rocky because of all the additional stress involved in a new child. Your wife needs a night off. You go for it. Sure you can go out, have fun. But low and behold it becomes more and more frequent. Your relationship start to float away, things stop getting done. You've made enough excuses things really need to get done because you guys are in trouble. A few days/weeks/months later they decided this is not what I thought it was. I want out. I want the house, the kids and half your income to pay for my life style and you know what they probably will get it. All this well ripping out your heart and stealing your kids. You are paying for the person you loth now possibly indefinitely.

So I repeat... the car salesman, loan officer, whoever is not your only hurdle in financial matters when you get married. Your spouse is THE MAJOR source of pressure and stress. Just like all financial decisions they should not be taken lightly. What you might not be thinking of when you are carried up in the whirlwind of romance and love is your spouse is also a financial decision. She can make your life hell if you do or don't. Every time you get into more finical ties with your spouse understand you are giving away more and more leverage in your relationship possible for only temporary “Happiness”. So my word's of wisdom is the old adage know what your paying for before you sign that bottom line. You did not just buy a car, you may have bought her a car and you get the bill.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 8: LOOSE LIPS sink ships

CHAPTER 8: LOOSE LIPS sink ships

Emotionally hurt it highly likely. You might just jump into your old patterns with people you trusted prior. Something to understand is that if you spouse neglected your trust there may be many people that also betrayed you that are in her camp. An important lesson to learn is that your wife friends and friends that are your and your wife's friends may no longer be your friends. They may be trying to milk information from you about finances, strategies, plan, your feelings or just to screw with your emotions or funnel warnings to your spouse/exspouse. It is important to understand that they may not be out for your best interest and that you must be. Put in another way, your soon to be exwife's parent's and friends are not your friends. Many times they knew all about the activities of your household and withheld it from you.

Another issue that has become more and more popular is social networks posting all your feeling for the world to see. It only takes one person tat knows a person for that to get back to your spouse. With over hundred possible leaks its not practical to maintain the gossip chain. So, get it off Facebook(R). Gossip is not the point. Get out the real story with a few real details, let the facts speak for themselves. It's important to know that this information not only can change the minds of the people around you but may be something to show you are harassing and making accusation. Remember, the law does not care who you are. You are a male harassing a poor defenseless female.

You may need to go off the grid in telephone/cellphone communication to ensure your spouse does not hunker down and get legal representation. Remember there is a bill every month that has everyone you called. If you looked at your bill saw a strange number and saw it was a law firm, what would you do? Some possible ideas are getting a calling card or Skype number you can use for legal communications (such as legal advice from you lawyer). Of course makes sure you are in a safe location outside of prying ears. Strangely enough your spouse may trust even if they are betraying your trust. If somethings different, they might run and get help and her trust you will be gone.

Another item to consider is written notes and typed communication need some extra scrutiny. Not everyone can keep all this information in their head and are required to write things down. Don't leave this information laying around. You might as well have the how to “Divorce your spouse without them knowing in 3 EZ Steps” book on the night stand. If you can't keep the information to yourself you might be in jeopardy.

It would be better to leave it at a friends house, safety deposit box, your parents, just ensure its not obvious what the information is, what its importance and relation is to you.

As its nice to have access to other things, its just as nice to have you own privacy in your communications if you are considering a legal direction. As stated before odds are your spouse reaction will not be good knowing you want out or you are planning the best for yourself verse their interests. When in fact you are still trying to make it work, but they will not be listening after they see you hide something. Change your passwords to your personal account that you spouse does not need access to like our email.

Over all, ensure your communication is directed to trusted sources, all other sources are limited to just a few facts in order to get what you need from them and ensure your communication lines are secure and in accessible by anyone else that might try to run interference.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.