CHAPTER 19: Make sure to get as much custody

Chapter 19: Make sure to get as much custody and time with children as you can and get more later!

Okay, so even if you are not dad of the year it is important to get as much custody as possible. Why? Once again, Money! If you have a deal to support them 50% of the time you will get a deal of supporting only 50% of their cost, but if your spouse claims you never see them and don't pay your share. She might just drag you back to court, possibly on your dollar to only make you pay even more. Well, at least the kids are getting what they need, right? Not necessarily. Your ex-spouse have no accountability to what they spend that money on. Your kids might be wearing cloths 2 sizes to small and look like kids from Lord of the Flies and you can't do anything about it other then spend the money yourself. If you are paying your spouse and still they are not being cared for the way you would like this is why its important to get as much custody, because you have more of a chance of influencing your children. If you have an irresponsible spouse that just leaves your kids with random people, but you can not prove it. Custody will at least ensure they are somewhere you know and hopefully in a place they can be nurtured and grow. Children need stimulated and good influences to be around. If your ex-spouse has passed that point you might just feel morally obligated to provide a better life for your kids than she does. Your ex-spouse is a train-wreck or one possibly waiting to happen. You do not want to have to pay for even more damage she can cause to your heirs. I mean it, psychological damage to some degree is already occurring plus a set of morals that you do not approve over might be distorting their view of the world. If you kids go off the deep end, and I pray they don't it can be a closely venture in more then physical capital. One more time bomb set by your spouses actions. When your kids grow up if you are a just and honest about your actions and sincere about your actions of love toward your children they have a good chance of understanding, but even better then this is having them with you out of the mess that your spouse is creating.

You are in your own situation, but I must make the plea here to take the road less taken. Be the influence you were meant to be and are now free to be outside you ex-spouse. Your children are innocent by standers in all this and should not be punished by someone else's actions if its in your power to stop it. These are your God given gifts and your are to be the protector over them. Remember that and keep it in mind for every decision. Your spouse may be terrible, but they will see there day. They will be judged by their children, so stay above that judgment and in fact teach them the measure to judge and the mercy to forgive else they may harbor anger that is not healthy and not theirs.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 18: Make sure your documents considers

CHAPTER 18: Make sure your documents considers

debts and assets

If your young, you may have almost nothing, but your future income on the table, but as your relationship goes on and you gain many more “assets” and their financial friend “liabilities” together this becomes more and more important. You may have bought a car, a house, or even have a business together. These are items that need negotiated and signed off on in your Marital Separation Agreement.

You might not be an accountant, but it might be good to at least understand there is stuff that is worth something and stuff you have to replay. In fact in this process if you don't consider these debts, you might find yourself with items that your playing for but have no ability to take care of as it is owned by your spouse.

Step on all money on the table and all bills on the table. Money should pay off your bills and liabilities before there even is a negotiation. This is all part of your strategy that you discussed with the lawyer. Remember, know what you are playing for and know what's important to you. Your lawyer or negotiator should line up and work toward your goals.

Try to start with better than half if you can. Never take less than half as this is the moral ideal of fair. But as you know this whole process is not about fair its about protecting yourself from a run away spouse. So get items you can leverage for more. Get things that have sentimental value or hold influence over them accomplishing their goals. Use these to reduce what you give them.

You may run into issues with a stay at home (no-income) spouse. A judge must sign off on this agreement as well as your wife so always remember in an “equable” state that judge is a third party that might look at you and say no your trying to take advantage of that poor women. He has no knowledge of you or her actions, he just must look at the facts. If you don't bring the facts, you both are equal to start, then its up to the money you both have and divide it in to. You 100% + your spouse 0% = 50% You and 50% your spouse. Who lost this one? Some how the person that did less got rewarded for doing less. Yep, that’s our socialist system, so beware.

A smooth handed layer might be able to say well, she could with her education at least get a minimum wage job and she does have some side jobs she's been getting paid for. Oh, ya did you not get paid rent by your mother and the repayment of that loan form your brother. You might just find she gets more money they her claimed $0/m.

So, you were a little further in life and have at least one child. Once again if you got guilted in to this it does not matter. Your a daddy and odds are your want to be the influence you were meant to be on them, but again I warn kids are NOT glue to fix a broken relationship! They just make what was broke more complicated by entangling more lives in the destructive power of divorce. Mom Inc. comes into play here. You are going to be on the hook for child-support because unless you proved your spouse unfit, which is a near miracle. The cards are stacked against you, Guy! Maybe if she was snorting cocain off the belly of a prostitute you might have something to stand on, but odds are your best bet is to wait it out and she her drowned in her own financial incompetence. I truly pray this is not the case of course as its really about the child that are in that house. The forced relationship after divorce of to ex-spouses if no joy. Just like you never liked her boyfriend you will not find a lot of anything in her either. The negotiation you are doing in your marital separation is just training wheels for the next 18 years (until your youngest turned 18 or becomes emancipated). Remember every communication with your spouse is now a business transaction and you do not have to do them. The ones you need to do are written on that piece of paper with your lawyer. You can try to wander away from it, but it should be treated as the bar. Else you can start wondering far from what you should and giving to someone that never gives back, which is the real reason your getting divorced. Your ex-spouse is out for themselves. You need to watch your back around someone like this. You can make it a game of collecting negotiable items that you can use in the future or right now. Most important just like in your relationship choose your battles.

You finally have some power over your life back to make your decisions.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 17: Long Term Tax Implications

CHAPTER 17: Long Term Tax Implications

Long term tax implications are not exactly the ting you might be thinking about at this time but it is something you should consider. Why do I care about this you might think? There are real long term gains and loses here. If you end up in a different tax bracket because you have no deductions that can mean thousands of dollars a year on top of if you don’t get the child tax credits that may be another $1000. Those thousands ad up especially over the next 18 years. That could be $40,000 your letting go directly to the person that caused the problem.

Custody does determine a lot of the possibilities for taking exemptions. For instance if you and your spouse have 50-50 sharing of time you may each get 50-50 tax benefits, BUT this is not guaranteed! YOU CAN WAVE THIS. DO NOT!!! I repeat DON'T. If your ex-spouse does not make any money and does not plan on it if you can calculate the tax benefit and negotiate getting both children as deductions it could be a great deal. You can even for example pay a little longer alimony (assuming it's a limited time) and get the ta write off for alimony and get he tax exemptions you need to offset your Single Filer Status.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 16: Be your spouse's best friend and lawyer

CHAPTER 16: Be your spouse's best friend and lawyer

(friends close enemies closer in negotiation)

So you are mad as hell, but she might have you by the balls, you might have to do something that is a lot outside what your feeling. This is an important one. After you have a signed agreement with everything item of interest you can go burn some pictures of them, but for now your their best friend just working to give them their freedom to be unbound from you.

Remember in cop shows when a criminal is in the interrogation room and the cops are outside the one way glass. They are talking about the perpetrator not lawyering up so they pretty much can do as they like inside that room. One detective tells the suspect, “Oh, I'm sorry your partner just flipped on you, you better start speaking else they are getting the deal.” Same idea applies with your spouse.

If you can get her into a room with your lawyer to sign a “standard divorce document” you might just be in luck.

Note: THERE IS NO STANDARD DIVORCE AGREEMENT, IT IS JUST WHATEVER YOU CAN GET THE OTHER TO AGREE ON AND SIGN

Back to high pressure sales, but the good part is your not the one buying. If properly written and not under any pressure your spouse is sat down with a number to be paid and an official person of the law saying sure that's normal, cut and dry (nods) but we close in 30 minutes. If they are representing you and you know what's in that contract. Before your spouse does, you can act none the wiser.

Your advantage is that you know what's going on and what the goal is. First, you set the rules. Second, you knew it was your lawyer. Their job is to work for you and what you want. Your job is to use the misplaced trust or belief you and idiot that you spouse has to help you in the action of unscrewing yourself from their actions. The Lawyer and you are selling your spouse.

Lawyer: “Normally, 7 years is just the start of getting alimony, in fact many don't get any at all.”

Spouse: “That seems low to me.”

You: “Well, I don't have to give you anything as our lawyer said. I'm being fair in giving you

[insert amount].”

Spouse: “I'm not sure about this”

You: “This is all new to me too, but this is what they do for a living they are the experts.”

or

You: “Lawyers are expensive, we are saving thousand of dollars by being agreeable and working together.”

Just keep building up that trust and understanding of her feelings and dismiss them her fears as you would shadows in the dark. Keep the pace going and sooner than you think you will be all signed and bound. Talk about the fairness and be grateful for her effort to work with you.

A very important principle to understand when in negotiations:

Anything not agreed at-least 50-50 or better in your favor can be used against you to funnel money to your spouse that was yours.

Ex.1 Your child is sick with a cold. Mom decides to call an ambulance! You are reasonable or all medical items so you end-up with the bill for a decision you could not control.

Ex2. You are required to pay for transportation cost of the children. Mom moves from Florida to Washington. If you want to see them, she say “you pay for it!”.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 15: Stop paying for her, you need to look on paper as poor as you can

CHAPTER 15: Stop paying for her, you need to look on paper as poor as you can

I suggest this ASAP. I know you are in negotiations and there are a lot of tools to use (finances one of the most important) to help improve your results. So as soon as you have decided to get out, it's time to think about spending the money your going to need to fight this battle and you don't need your hard earned money working against you.

For example; a man found himself in need of the majority of the money in the checking/saving account to pay for the law and additional cost of living (he had to move out) in this new changing/uncertain environment. In fact he also required his pay check be cashed out and not deposited. By the time him and his wife got to the lawyers office bills were coming due for his wife, but there just was no money for it. In fact she was willing to cut a deal just to get a little help to make those bill, she settled her debts a bit quickly to the husbands surprise.

Got credit cards? They may suddenly disappear, in fact they are commonly stolen. These take up to a week or more without them and get new numbers sent somewhere else. If those cards are still in both your names still, get them off, NOW! Most credit card companies have 24 hour numbers. Get it done.

Later, darn if she did not call you asking to be helped out of a jam like you are Saint Peter. She just needs a little money to float her till [whenever]. CLOSE THAT DOOR, LOCK IT, and BLOW IT UP before she start thinking your still an ATM.

Some perfectly good excuses (that say nothing):

No, your strapped.

I'm broke, this took my last dollar.

Half of struggling is no prospering.

I can hardly make it as it is.

Does not matter the reason unless its about your kids. Then put all the trust you would into a stranger like a homeless person that wants money and refuses food or clothing. She knows how to lie and odds are she will become more inventive with them. If she used you once she will always sense your weakness. Don't let it show again. No rides. No my car broke down, other then to pick up the kids from her. Her lot is her lot. Any fortune or misfortune is their own.

Now, I know this either sounds harsh or to gentle depending on if you feel you need to be fair and just to her or just hate her gusts and hope she has a seat in Hell. The fact is in either way “I want”, “Gimme, Gimme”, “Pretty Please” are not as attractive when you know they ran over your heart and continue to do so. You can not buy them back! You can only fund them into someone else which will only make you more miserable. Let God sort it out. You have more important things to be working on in your life to make sure your are whole again.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 14: Reducing or Eliminating Alimony with the will of iron

CHAPTER 14: Reducing or Eliminating Alimony with the will of iron

Hell has no words to describe the place where you are in love yet there is no one to love you. She in fact wants to move her lover right into your house. She wants him to be with your kids and sleep in your bed. If this is not a maddening thought I don't know a person that could possibly disengage their mind from these thoughts. He might be an angel, but to you he is the devil incarnate. Now to again do something it makes no sense in your emotion mind to do. Let him in and catch them in the act.

What the HELL are you talking about? You might be saying. Why the hell would you let this guy breathe the same air you breathe? In fact you have a bullet with his name in graved on it. Well, the answer is simple and always the same. Money! Your relationship is gone. Revenge is for the lord. This process is about getting on with your life an you can not do that is you just want vengeance. It is also a good reminders that vengeance is best in the form of a more successful and fruitful life. You can not do that if the person that ruined your life can continue to do so.

The point is get proof, pictures and whatever is iron clad proof not to yourself, but a judge. Ask your lawyer what you need. If your agreement is not yet signed. You may have time ask. This evidence is a perfect negotiating item. IF you need to buddy buddy up with this new guy. Smile and nod. It's about screwing him over. Really, the truth is a relationship made out of a secret love affirm rarely lasts longer then the money that fueled it. Life sets in and people have to go to work. The same half-a$$ed effort given in your marriage will be the same half-a$$ed effort given in the relationship. Remember, your spouse sent all there energy doing what ever they wanted and I out they spent anytime improving there chances out in the real world other then trying to get whatever they can from you.

So what type of money? Possible any amount of Alimony that you would have been obligated to pay. Well, what if you live in a “No Fault State”? No fault does not mean truly no fault. Alimony has many factors that play into the number. Is there a calculation? NO! So where does it come from? It's a negotiated number, so it can be everything or as would be more beneficial nothing. In the eyes of a court evidence of cheating and spending on cheating can show your spouse was not making any attempt in the relationship and deserves nothing more then her new Boy Toy. I would suggest not rewarding infidelity and making sure you use the blatant display of affection to your benefit.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

Chapter 13: Timing of your break-up is important

Chapter 13: Timing of your break-up is important

As they say on Deal or No Deal(R), this game is about timing and luck. Okay, so it's not much of a game, and over all this really sucks, but it is true there definitely can be winners and losers. Timing for jumping ship is important. Why? One word, Alimony. Do you want to pay for your spouse for the rest of her life well she get a other man, for a next year or like I would expect not at all.

So timing, what about timing. What time, relationship? Occupancy? Marriage? Well states may differ and this is a good point to ask a lawyer. Most importantly the time you are in the relationship floating on a life raft may actually be working against you. For example some judges and states define for the rest of your life keeping her in her same condition after 7 years. That's right 7. You can fall asleep and end-up there. Two years of bliss. Four of building a family and a home and one of pure hell trying to make it work and your there.

There is a reason a lot of marriage give up after 2 years. If no strings attached seems like a good deal, then you know what they were thinking. Don't commingle your funds. Don't make any large purchases with that person and you will find yourself in the seat of power. You still have decision making power.

Next, your credit and the rest of your life may be being effected dramatically if your spouse decided to start maxing out the credit cards and robbing you blind. Well you are married these activities are shielded under your name and even though fraudulent it is impossible to hold them to there activities if your finances are together.

The separation agreement is YOUR the red flag you can throw down. It says you just try and defraud me. Your going to jail and/or your going to pay. We are both aware that we are splitting. If you start pulling money out left and right you are going to be exposed to the full force of the law. No more hiding in the dark and using you name. 

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 12: Get a lawyer you trust

CHAPTER 12: Get a lawyer you trust

Unless you have had legal matters in the past odds are you only know how to find a lawyer by looking on billboard signs or in that historical book called the “Yellow Pages”. But, who are these guys? How do you know you will be treated any different.

You are putting a large portion of your money on the line now and in your future.

• Alimony
• Child support
• Your Childrens' Education
• Medical bills
• Insurance
• Taxes
• Your Home
• Your Car
• Custody
• Visitation on scheduling
• Where you live
• Hours of your life transporting

Get reference if you can. If your parents or friends are local, it's possible they may have had or know someone with this expertise. You also want someone that meets your needs. If you have kids a Divorce Lawyer may do just that and no more. A Family Law lawyer is a better fit and should consider both the divorce and the custody matters.

Not all lawyers require payment for the first visit to discuss the possible impacts of the divorce.

Schedule some appointments with different ones if you can. It is well worth finding the right person you can deal with, you feel is honest and you can communicate clearly too.

Also it's important to understand the first visit is free, but a lawyers time is far from free. May the best of it.

List of To Do:

1. Be on time

The lawyers time is valuable and anything you don't get answered will cost

you later. Get there and be polite. This person may be your savory.

2. Organize the important items: Assets (Houses, Cars, IRA/401k),

Debts (Credit Cards,Mortgages, Loans ect) , Children,

Situation of Spouse and their income

Get a folder and also make a summery for the lawyer and

have it organized on a piece of paper

3. Know what you want and what's worth fighting for

Emotions are out the door at this point is all about how much of a

financial impact this will have on your life. It's all on the table now.

For Example:

Rental property which is $150k with a $50k potential increase

or your Primary property which is $200k and is underwater $100k

Your going to have to sit down and look at the numbers, you might not need a big house with a big monthly payment, but if you have a lot of equity, it might be good to sell later and make sure you can do it in writing and the profits are yours. Note: primary residences are a big deal when there are children involved. You might not be able to get the primary residence, because it would disrupt your children. This can be a big shock. You may not have known living in the underwater house could have saved you $50k, but you got the short end of the stick.

OR

$2,000 TV or 10,000 401k

(that will pay off later but has tax implication now)?

You might be able to negotiate the TV value for reduced split of

your 401k and convince the decreased value of future money verse

the quickly depreciating technology.

OR

$700/m for 2 child support with Medical Bills split 50%

or $300/m per child + Medical Bills 100% you.

Well, if you have 2 children you might be tempted to take the second option since its less monthly for the number you can see. $600 ($300X2) is less the $700, but what you don't see is your ex-spouse can you the Emergency room as much as she wants and you have to pay for it. So $1,000 medical bill for that bruised knee and your decision does not look that good. By splitting or your spouse taking full responsibility for

medical it does the most important thing of making their decisions effect

them.

*** The Above can happen with one of many items. You goal needs to be to ensure there is nothing you blindly have unlimited responsibility for

something you don't decide.

- Some areas: Medical, Travel, Activities, Schooling, Insurance Expenses

*** Lawyers fight for what you tell them to, they are smart enough to not give advice they are not requested to give. Be direct and specific. They can not make financial decisions for you, but they can tell you the areas to focus your attention.

4. Plan your strategies and reasoning to disarm your spouse

If you have a plan you can avoid emotions that might make your spouse lash out

and disarm them. In fact you can always play ignorant and innocent like you

don't know what your don't and this is all just normal standard stuff. It really does

not matter after the words are printed and names are signed.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 11: If Divorce is inevitable

CHAPTER 11: If Divorce is inevitable

(nothing I do works, physical and mental string are being cut)

Your having a feeling of hopelessness set in:

1. You feel like no matter the amount of effort there is no lasting difference being made

2. You are certain she is cheating in fact she might even have told you. (Get the proof as stated in prior chapters, it will help you)
3. No remorse. No concern for anyone's feeling but their own. In fact it might as well all be your fault.
4. All conversations lead to fights.
5. Every conversation is one that is full of assumptions and intentional reading into.
6. She'd rather it be over, she wants a separation or mentioned divorce.

It's time to realize that your spouse is cutting the mental and physical strings in the relationship and only one member needs to do this in order for the relationship to be over. Typically first small emotional strings are cut then follows small physical strings. They will test there limits further and further. They may even rationalize you not catching them as a sign you do not care (self justifying). The rational does not need to make logical sense it just needs to be justified to allow the emotions involved not to overwhelm them with anger, confusion and/or frustration. Small acts like meeting a friend you don't approve over. Going out to a place you don't approve of. Spending money on activities you both had agreed was not a good way to spend the money wisely. These will increase and erode all trust until they betray you completely for someone else that condones their actions, in fact they probably are praised for them by these other people.

Cheating is an emotional and physical. It's not normally the first step in the breaking apart a relationship, but it almost always is the turning point where a decision in your spouses head occurs that they can not rationalize without thinking they might not love you.

After cheating for the first time they may have an internal conflict where they are required to separate themselves form any feeling of remorse. They must bury there memories and any evidence. This includes any reminder of their actions that they feel are condemning. There concern or care that their natural instincts tell them to use must be muted. They stop fighting because they realize there is nothing they want worth fighting for. They might even blame you for not saving them form their own actions.

If your spouse has come clean about cheating it is a great mental relief to them and it will dismiss a lot of anger as they now feel free clear to put their affairs out in the open (at least that one) even if your still hurt. Remember your feelings did not matter, it was the struggle in their head. It was an internal struggle in your spouse to do what should be naturally right, you had very little to do with it. At best they have a false reasoning that they did not want to hurt you (when they clearly did already). The fact is you were hurt the entire time. They worned the relationship and let it wander around like a wounded animal. If they are coming clean not provoked they may be secure enough with their other relationship to cut you as as a safety net.

If you valiantly stood by in this process hoping your spouse would see the error in their ways, odds are it's the 11^th hour and you don't have a plan. You might be in big trouble as your spouses plan is in full swing. They may have already been to a women friendly lawyer and digging for information to ensure they get everything that can, well using puppy dog eyes on you saying “I'm trying my bestist”! It's time to mobilize the troops and prepare for war, but this has to be a war of wits and cleverness and not one of words and vengeful action.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 10: Modern counseling. It is the man's fault

CHAPTER 10: Modern counseling. It is the man's fault

Poor counseling starts with the assumption “So many times its the man's fault, so it's the man's fault until we get this sorted out.”. What you did not know is sorting it out may take years. So as much as you know it's your fault; Lies and Crappy Counseling is what I say. If they are doing their job they are objective and fair in discussing topics and talk time.

Remember counseling works just like advice. If the person you are looking for to reconcile with is not willing to give the effort. Someone telling them they should give the effort most likely is just a waste of time. They have made up their mind. The only reason they are there is either to check off a box that looks like they tried or because they respect the person giving advice.

So I'm in the room and she is spewing lies and emotions like she was kidnapped and beaten.

Answer: Let her vent, let the counselor see her uncontrolled and un-dealt with anger and rage. See what contradictions come-up. Pay attention to her but don't start a conversation as it might heat up. After they are done throw water on the fire, when it's your turn apologize she feels that way, and comfort her concerns by stating you never meant to making her feel that way or show and act to make her think that. Take your own notes to ensure you are engaged. Just sitting most people just zone out and look disinterested.

Note: If it's never your turn; make it known you do not feel you are being represented.

Later calmly reaffirm your love and dedication to the relationship, and disregard all the lies in-front of your councilor and see what happens.

Note: what you say will not be listened to by your spouse, but it is important to actively listen to them.

Your emotions will be ignored by your spouse. The psychologist/counselor should be a rational people, trying to use reason to untangle this emotional mess. They respect if you to are rational and if you are sincere and show controlled emotion (healthy), thus you are complete. The conclusion therefore is “it's must be the other person's issue” and the focus will shift more onto them. The more they are talking the more items they must be dealing with. You goal is to as kindly as you can stand-back and let them speak. The focus should be how you feel when you speak and not how you think the other person is, feels, or thinks. Always act as though you are just interested in your spouses opinion on your thoughts.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 9: Pressured into House or Children ( OR any other large financial decision)

CHAPTER 9: Pressured into House or Children ( OR any other large financial decision) 

 

If you ever get the pleasure of going to a timeshare presentation where high pressure sales tactics are employed, you understand the feelings involved and the players at the table. If we were single it would just be you verse the sale-man and you could tell him to piss-off and that you'd like your free Cruise and $20 gas gift voucher now. This process becomes that much more difficult when you add your spouse. Especially if your spouse does not realize they are starting to support the sale-mans point of view and know you have the sale-man who you could give a crap about, but next to him is your wife with puppy dog eyes saying sure we can afford that we have … (fill in the blank with all the stuff you should not tell a random stranger)! The fastest I've ever been in and out was when I told them I have no job and came for the free food. The point here is that your spouse greatly influences your decisions.

One thing to remember is that large financial decisions just like going out to eat might temporarily be satisfying but, its just like a band-aid over a cut off hand. Unless you get to the hospital your are not going to live that long and unlike it being you hurt in a relationship you must both be convinced its a good idea to go to the hospital! Sadly when you arrive at the hospital you find out you guys are the doctor, nurse and the staff.

The Second and by far more important item to remember is that these decisions can have long term effects that are bad if your relationship does not make it. This is why its important to have a strong and a track record of success in financial matters before diving into even more. Large finical decisions will have long term effects on how quickly you can recover from a bad relationship or marriage. For example, you decided to buy your first house. Great! So you have a 30 year commitment. Not bad considering your 100 or so year commitment to your spouse. Things don't seem to be working out as you thought. They don't seem to be the person you thought they were or you are having to try to make them be the person you thought they were and they are not doing it (liking it) freely. So you start wooing her again buying more things to make her happy. Say a puppy. Well, what she really has been pressing you on is getting that house and stop throwing our money way in renting. So you decide she's right and buy the closest thing to a dream house you can to make her happy. A little time goes on and she's back at it wanting to fill that house. But what about those extra rooms... it's time to have a Baby! You look at the finances and they don't look that good, but you think you know she will stick it out as long as we have each other. Sure, she agrees! You have your first kids. A miracle! Your hunkering down at work, your a family man now. You have to ensure those kids can be taken care of. You get that promotion with a few extra hours. You come home and your wife wants you to spend more time with the family. So you start coming home earlier, stop volunteering as much to go over and above and start working at home. You start taking care of the kids more. Your relationship is a little bit more rocky because of all the additional stress involved in a new child. Your wife needs a night off. You go for it. Sure you can go out, have fun. But low and behold it becomes more and more frequent. Your relationship start to float away, things stop getting done. You've made enough excuses things really need to get done because you guys are in trouble. A few days/weeks/months later they decided this is not what I thought it was. I want out. I want the house, the kids and half your income to pay for my life style and you know what they probably will get it. All this well ripping out your heart and stealing your kids. You are paying for the person you loth now possibly indefinitely.

So I repeat... the car salesman, loan officer, whoever is not your only hurdle in financial matters when you get married. Your spouse is THE MAJOR source of pressure and stress. Just like all financial decisions they should not be taken lightly. What you might not be thinking of when you are carried up in the whirlwind of romance and love is your spouse is also a financial decision. She can make your life hell if you do or don't. Every time you get into more finical ties with your spouse understand you are giving away more and more leverage in your relationship possible for only temporary “Happiness”. So my word's of wisdom is the old adage know what your paying for before you sign that bottom line. You did not just buy a car, you may have bought her a car and you get the bill.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 8: LOOSE LIPS sink ships

CHAPTER 8: LOOSE LIPS sink ships

Emotionally hurt it highly likely. You might just jump into your old patterns with people you trusted prior. Something to understand is that if you spouse neglected your trust there may be many people that also betrayed you that are in her camp. An important lesson to learn is that your wife friends and friends that are your and your wife's friends may no longer be your friends. They may be trying to milk information from you about finances, strategies, plan, your feelings or just to screw with your emotions or funnel warnings to your spouse/exspouse. It is important to understand that they may not be out for your best interest and that you must be. Put in another way, your soon to be exwife's parent's and friends are not your friends. Many times they knew all about the activities of your household and withheld it from you.

Another issue that has become more and more popular is social networks posting all your feeling for the world to see. It only takes one person tat knows a person for that to get back to your spouse. With over hundred possible leaks its not practical to maintain the gossip chain. So, get it off Facebook(R). Gossip is not the point. Get out the real story with a few real details, let the facts speak for themselves. It's important to know that this information not only can change the minds of the people around you but may be something to show you are harassing and making accusation. Remember, the law does not care who you are. You are a male harassing a poor defenseless female.

You may need to go off the grid in telephone/cellphone communication to ensure your spouse does not hunker down and get legal representation. Remember there is a bill every month that has everyone you called. If you looked at your bill saw a strange number and saw it was a law firm, what would you do? Some possible ideas are getting a calling card or Skype number you can use for legal communications (such as legal advice from you lawyer). Of course makes sure you are in a safe location outside of prying ears. Strangely enough your spouse may trust even if they are betraying your trust. If somethings different, they might run and get help and her trust you will be gone.

Another item to consider is written notes and typed communication need some extra scrutiny. Not everyone can keep all this information in their head and are required to write things down. Don't leave this information laying around. You might as well have the how to “Divorce your spouse without them knowing in 3 EZ Steps” book on the night stand. If you can't keep the information to yourself you might be in jeopardy.

It would be better to leave it at a friends house, safety deposit box, your parents, just ensure its not obvious what the information is, what its importance and relation is to you.

As its nice to have access to other things, its just as nice to have you own privacy in your communications if you are considering a legal direction. As stated before odds are your spouse reaction will not be good knowing you want out or you are planning the best for yourself verse their interests. When in fact you are still trying to make it work, but they will not be listening after they see you hide something. Change your passwords to your personal account that you spouse does not need access to like our email.

Over all, ensure your communication is directed to trusted sources, all other sources are limited to just a few facts in order to get what you need from them and ensure your communication lines are secure and in accessible by anyone else that might try to run interference.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.