CHAPTER 7: GET IT IN WRITING

CHAPTER 7: GET IT IN WRITING

(very important and powerful)

Take a lesson from some of the richest men in the world. How do you think Bill Gate of a tiny company called Microsoft(R) was able to out wit giant multi-million dollar compensation like Xerox(R) and IBM(R) and even the U.S. Government? It was all on paper and people did not understand what they signed and the implication of their actions. We live in a wonderful and terrible country that laws can actually be enforced. You must use this to your advantage else it will be to your disadvantage by someone else. You might not be extremely business savvy, but you don't have to be. It's a race to get away from an alligator, you just need to be front of the guy you don't want to be.

First, verbal agreements are not worth the paper they are not written on. You might as well call it a gift and kiss it good bye in your mind. If it comes back you are a lucky man. Most states have laws that even if you tape recoded your spouse swearing up and down they would do something for you. It's completely unenforceable. You can imagine like a sales man, they can say all types of thing to entice you to buy the car, but in the end it's the finance guy that sits you down and gets you to sign some 10 page document of what appears to be a foreign language as he assures you it is some standard stuff. So, go online and look up the laws on verbal agreements in your state. If they don't count for anything. Use it as another negotiation tool as a bluff.

Second, get a written agreement for every personal loans and commitments to family members or friends that you might want to have. Make them official and binding. It's not a trust issue, it's that they don't want to play by the rules and be a responsible for their actions. It's your money act like it. You would not let the car dealer tell you what you are willing to pay. The only one that can represent you is you. Without a piece of paper when you split up their debt does not just vanish (it might just come and bite you) it becomes your debt and the people obligated to you may just try and forget about their obligations like they don't know you. Go online there are plenty of templates that ensure you have the needed elements in a contract to make it enforceable in court if need be. Ideally you never will go to court, but they need to know you can in order for you to negotiate anything. If there is collateral make sure to document it, so it can't just vanish by some act of your spouse. Remember an agreement that you will do something if someone else does something. If you never get written or types communication or signature they will NEVER do it. It's not a contract, it's just an offer. Get the other person involved to communicate that they accept the agreement.

Third, make sure you understand what you are fighting to have and what is at stake. It's better to go in with everything all at once if you can then fight a hundred battles with less and less leverage.

Fourth, Make sure the agreements if money owed has your name and your's alone as the lender, so your ex-spouse does not claim half, else she will get half + half of your half aka 75% of everything. These should be tuned into cash value for negotiating for real assets/money right now if possible at the Divorce Separation Agreement negotiating table.

Last, there are many forms of written communication now a days its not all just pen and ink. It is still the strongest to have someone sign there name, but even if they don't and its just an email or text with an offer, consideration and acceptance it is a contract. One thing to be aware of is with all this technology and it convenience is that you need to retain these conversations for them to matter. Timestamps and official marks are important in validating their authenticity. I suggest using email. It's trusted, its easy to understand and search-able. Also I would suggest getting a program that backs up your email or print it out or both.

Warning: Text messages are difficult to keep track of and hard to search. There also on your phone and likely not backed up anywhere. Lose the phone or it dies and you have nothing to stand on.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 6: WHY SEPARATE AND MONITOR

CHAPTER 6: WHY SEPARATE AND MONITOR

Finances... Don't let someone else hold your wallet. If you do make sure you know what in it and how you can get it back. Your finances are what was once called your word. They say a lot about how you live your life and how responsible you are with what you have. It does not take a lot to make a lot, if you know what your doing.

So, why do so many women not want to care about finances? Because they want control without making the money.

One possible reason given:

Could it be they are some type of humanitarians trying to give and make the world a better place? I'd say there are two categories. Maybe a few want to give it all always and feel bad for having so much, but for the most part if they are giving away more than they produce, you have to start thinking that they think “what's your is theirs” and “what's their's is their's”. Them giving away everything you have does not make you more generous. They can make you poorer and less in control of your decisions. The other category uses giving as an excuses to also look more virtuous, but you have never seen them in lack for something they want. When that Starbucks comes by they get their needed caffeine/chocolate/Grande/mocha with whip cream and darn if they don't demand a cherry.

Another possible reason given:

They want to be spontaneous (aka I want someone that pays for what I want to do). Someone that acts just like me, so if I kill them off I still have everything I want (opps, did not mean to say that aloud). They don't want to plan, that is you to plan or lead. They are proposing a different plan. Where does this spontaneity comes from? It comes from what they are not cooping up to, which is their untold plan. They just want to act and go do whatever comes to mind at the time to make them happy. They are going to go buy “Happy”. So thinking about this in terms of a long term relationship how do you think this person will be satisfied when life starts limiting there options? One guy? One location? Raising kids? Go to work? Save for retirement, PHFIT! , WHY? We can have flings as long as we love each other. Can't we (you) just buy two or more homes? Kids raise themselves, they don't need anything to achieve what they are going to become. All bad ideas... and full of self-centeredness. Hundreds of exception to the rules, because they only want one rule and that is they make the rules. It's a form of control.

Thus, keep what you can separate this protects what your spouse does not need to be responsible for, yet if ever. If it comes up in debate the truth is people want to have benefit without responsibility. Its normal to not want to do more then you have to. Accountability is an important concept that people learn in teams. It means I'm going to give you a broom and a scoop, when you get done I'll be back to check on you and we will go have ice cream, if you don't, no ice cream. If your spouse is irresponsible with a little, a lot will not help. It is just gasoline on a fire and not gasoline inside a vehicle. It's not going anywhere. Most of the world of business works the ladder way and does it successfully. It's been making plenty of satisfied customers for thousands of years. Why? Because it WORKS ! If your spouse does not know this they may need to go to work and learn it. If they can not work for someone else they will never be able to work for themselves or your family. Financial ignorance is a weapon against your prosperity.

Monitor your finances. Make a real budget, prove to yourselves you can not only stick to it, but improve it to achieve your goals and make you goals your dreams. Again have alerts on your credit report, checking accounts, saving accounts, investments and credit card accounts. Know where you are driving this ship.

CHAPTER 5: Control your emotions or get out of the fire

CHAPTER 5: Control your emotions or get out of the fire

 

Clear your head. Your a logical creature and your being forced down a path of emotion which is not your natural realm. If you have to remove yourself from the situation. A simple premise is if the person can not be reasoned with your dealing with a fool. Do not let an idiot beat you up with their experience. Not everything asked must be answered.

You spouse has an advantage in the emotional realm. This is why they want to drive you into to it. We can not always express and control our emotions well and it comes out in unintended forms like anger (undeveloped emotion). All they need is you to slip up and just even claim violence and your ejected from your home. It also will made their case stronger to have even more custody if you have children. So just don't.

Easily said don't respond, but they are going to be trying very hard using everything they know about you against you. What can you do? The answer is silence. You can not get in trouble by remaining silent. Same methodology utilized in counseling. You want to show they they are being irrational and are uncontrolled. Give them as much rope as they need to hang themselves. There own anger and bitterness will start to isolate them from everyone that sees your struggle and stamina. This is truly he high road. Now, if you have slipped off the high road. The answer is ask for forgiveness make it formal. State that they also did things that spurred it on, but you are willing to forgive if they are. Get it in writing if you can. Not super detailed. Its more important to have the understanding your spouse is not under any deres (like you are harassing them or showed aggression anywhere near them or the kids). In the eyes of he law you are a wild animal that if you show any signs you should be put down.

It is not bad to have an outlet. Ideally one with no string attached. The uninterested party (not your best friend that is friends with your spouse or anyone that knows your spouse), ask if you can sit down and explain what you are seeing and you concerns. These need not be emotions, but emotions most likely will be involved either way. It's a good sanity check to make sure you know you not just out of touch with reality and making something out of nothing. Pastors, trusted friends of the family, family members that know you well ect... also work. Odds are they will ask you if you have been able to somehow ask your spouse and told them about your concerns. If you did and odds are you have already. It was a fight, they did not listen to your concern and voiced their own. They are thinking only of themselves.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 4: TRUST BUT VERIFY: Don't be certain be, careful first

CHAPTER 4: TRUST BUT VERIFY: Don't be certain be, careful first

The best defense is a prepared defense. Avoiding being played is the best option. It takes some time and effort to setup initially but is your insurance that years of your life will not be spent paying back for someone else's messy cost. It's like having your identity stolen and you know who did it, but they might get off “Scott Free”.

There are key areas to look at and enure their security:

Finances,

Personal habits,

Communication (phone records, emails, Social Networks and even notes)

These three tell a very revealing story. Here are some items to watch and methods of monitoring.

1. Credit Report: This one can cost you dearly not only in your credit score, but in the credit-lines that might be abused.

BAD: Average Joe was working away at work and everything seemed fine. Spend thrift Sarah on the other hand decided it would be a good idea to get a new shiny credit card from one of those mail offers. Two weeks later, the card shows up and Sarah takes it for a drive. Small purchases initially, but as time goes on she gets more lack. Joe finds out! Sarah promises to no do it again. A few months pass and you notice something new in the mail by chance you got to it early. Sarah some how racked up $5,000 in credit card debt. Some of her relaxation time appears to be at a new condo big enough for two ...

BETTER: Smart Sam was working hard, but still minded his credit report. Using a free service that emails him if anything changes for the better or worse. In fact smart Sam knew his wife (God bless her) was not always that disciplined in finances, so he ensured he would be notified if any credit line requests where made by adding a fraud alert to his credit report by calling up the 3 main credit agencies. It took a little time and he only had to do it once for 2 years worth of coverage. Sam did not worry about Sarah or someone stealing his information from the mail.

DEFENSE: Put an alert on your credit report with the credit agency, make sure they have to call you if anything new is opened.

2. Investment and Bank accounts: We might often look at our checking account but might over look our saving or investment accounts being depleted.

DEFENSE: Modern Online banking allows Alerts to be sent upon certain actions. Set a low balance alert and email your self. Also ensure authorization and passwords are known by you and you alone. On joint accounts only keep minimum and do not moved money in there ever unless it must be.

BAD: Average Joe was having a bang-up year and got a big tax return! He had finally got some saving in the bank, but Sarah “Spend Thrift” decided there where secure enough and thought she better use it up before it's all just spent up by Average Joe. She takes out a few cash withdrawals. A few hundred dollars here and there. Some at the gas station and some at the grocery store. Those sure were expensive eggs Joe thinks. The money is gone.

BETTER: Smart Sam also got a bonus at work. It went into his individual account at the credit union. When the money was in Sam got an email from his bank on his Smart phone a deposit over $1000 went in. He also gets his balance regularly if it ever drops below $5000. When he received an email that his account dropped below $5000 in his savings. He checked his bank account to ensure the transfer to his stock trading account was completed. He transfer there usable share into there Joint account and Sam said to Sarah, I got a raise at work would you like to sit down and see what we'd like to do to spoil ourselves? We've both worked hard.

3. Credit Card account: Like many of us we get checks in the mail for cash advance on credit cards all the time. This can easily cost thousands of dollars.

BAD: Average Joe picks up the mail every once in a while and rips up the offers for credit cards. Him and Sarah have one credit card and recently it's limit was increased! Good new, right! Sarah looks at this new limit like they just received $1000 they can spend and comes back with a few new things she says you really need. You notice she spent up the past 6 months of paying the credit card down and you start once again. The interest kicks-in 3 months from now and at the rate you are paying it off, you might as well have paid double for the items she bought. Few times of this and you $15000 in credit card debt some expenses you needed but a lot you did not. You paying minimum payments, but the bill keeps getting higher. Sarah unhappy your being such a scrooge decides you've changed and talks about divorce. The credit card is joint and she has no income. The judge says you have to pay it and she gets to keep half of what she has not consumed yet well you get ½ of things you never wanted. Joe thinks Bankruptcy is about all he can do.

BETTER: Smart Sam get mail but not as much since he called the major solicitors not to send credit card offers in the mail. Sam has a credit card in his name and Sarah has one in her's. They never get a joint credit card and Sam does not make Sarah an authorized user of his credit card. Some credit card companies insist you have both people names to ensure the debt. If this is the case get Sarah her card and be the authorized user of it. If this does not work a joint account with Sam OR Sarah maybe possible, just wait a month or 2 to change Sam into an Authorized user from the Joint OR user. Sam decides this is to much work unless he really needs that credit limit and Sarah can be responsible and held responsible for her charges.

DEFENSE: Ensure your accounts are not Joint if they are try to move them to accounts in our spouses name and you as an authorized user. This ensures all liability is on them. Else make sure its your name OR your spouse and not your name AND your spouse. This ensures you can be dropped off or close the account with no need to inform the other person.

4. Phone Bills: most spouses may not even know every number they dial is recorded by the phone carrier. In fact many are sorted by frequency and length of the call. All relationships tend to increase in communication over time especially when they are getting serious.

BAD: Average Joe gets a paper bill in the mail and pays the bill every month like he should. Some months are more then others. The bill in fact this month was DOUBLE $150. Sarah has been texting a lot and suggests they get the deluxe plan and it should not happen again. Joe does it and pays the bill again just another $30 a month at least not $150, right? Well, Sarah starts going out and ignoring Joe. She walks out even at times to take a call or text. When Joe asks whose she talking to she says a friend. You ask to see the conversation, in curiosity and Sarah says well I delete my texts. There just get to be to many on there. A few months pass and Sarah starts leaving. Joe notices things are changing attitude but just can't figure out what's going on with Sarah. Joe comes home one day to find Joe Blow at his house. Sarah states she wants a divorce and wants to be with Joe Blow.

BETTER: Smart Sam checks his phone bill at-least once a month. He has a good plan, but like to know he's getting a good deal. If there is a cheaper plan, he tries to get it. Sarah also is on his plan. Sam checks the call history the same time he is going to pay the bill. The site has call and/or text volumes and calls durations by telephone numbers on the plan. Sam knows the major numbers they call since they are part of their calling circle. If Sam sees a trend of a lot of calls or long calls, he figures out who the calls or texts are being made too. They all check out and Sam goes on with his day.

DEFENSE: Get your own personal access to all cell phone or telephone accounts. Generate a call list report from the provider for the past few months. Note the top callers and top texters they might not be the same. Identify the callers to weed out any one that's beyond suspicion (aka Mom, Dad, ect... Don't rule out your friends). You many even be able to block numbers. This may be useful upon ejecting from the relationship to not allow warning.

5. Email: A lot can go on through email, but not as much as social networks. The importance of your spouses email account username and passwords allows access to many other account password resets and logins. You can also check the sent history.

BAD: Average Joe has a separate email from Sarah Spend-Thrift. Joe uses his email mainly for talking to his friends and never Sarah. Sarah on the other hand spends a lot of time on the couch typing away. Joe many times comes home to her tying away. He never really gets a chance to know what is being typed or who its going too. Sarah just confirms she is talking to friends or paying bills. One day Joe opens the computer to a popular email/search site but does not notice he is already logged in as Sarah. Joe sees some interestingly named Titles in the inbox with flattery from some guy he does not know.

BETTER: Smart Sam uses E-mail a lot since he is getting Alerts from his bank and credit report. In fact he has helped out Sarah on occasion and has setup a password reminder and himself as the receiver. In case of emergencies Sam is available to get the password to the account and login for Sarah. In fact Sam was able to login via his smart-phone quickly to insure the sent mail was not piling up . WINK. WINK. In fact some important e-mails Sam set a filter to forward to himself just in case they might get accidentally deleted.

DEFENSE: Make sure you know the challenge questions to account information. This will allow you to reset passwords if needed. If you really want to be crafty email does not get deleted if you login say from your phone with there username and password, but be careful as it will display like they are online. Which many sites have a way to turn off. Email forwarding may also be a possibility, but first make a alias account as to not be track back to you.

6. Social Networking: Social networking is just as bad a the phone now a days, but much harder to keep track of and sort through even assuming you had access. They could be showing the rest of the world what they are up to but just blocking you from seeing it.

BAD: Average Joe has an account on one of those Social Networks “BaceBook” Typo intended. He goes on every once in a longtime and sees what friends know him. He is up to 20! Sarah is also his Friend on the site but she knows he never goes on. Sarah states talking to an old guy friend from High School. We luck he's in town. Using here messaging only they can see their conversation. Sarah posts to here page. “An old friend is in town. Hoo Ray!!! “. Of course Joe never knows. In fact Sarah blocked Joe from most posts she does because it allows here and her girl friends to chat. Sooner or later, wow, the guy is over at the house and what good friends Sarah is with him!

BETTER: Smart Sam has an account as well. He is pretty connected as he like to be in the know. He has 160 friends and like dropping smart thoughts and observations for others to comment on. Sarah is his friend. In fact Sam helped setup her account or her and showed her some neat tricks. Sm is the backup email just in case Sarah forgets her password which she so often does. Sam checked if Sarah had locked out her account as he often does for her and saw she like to swap recipes with her friends. Sam got her fancy cookbook and asked if she'd like to cook together sometime.

DEFENSE: If you have the password and user name just like email, you can login at the same time and status your self offline. You will receive everything they do. Note silent the sound as to not bring suspicion. If you do not have the password, you might have the challenge questions and this is the importance of the email account.

7. Physical location: I'd be careful about this one. You might be classified as stocking (but heck the NSA does it), but for those that are tech savvy it is possible to use the GSP in a smart phone along with some apps to ping where someone is at.

BAD: Average Joe takes Sarah's word for it. If it took 300 miles/4 hours to get groceries that what it took. If the bank says $500 in gas a month well that's what it takes. Average Joe just starts to realized nothings getting done and we really need to see if we can get that car fixed and maybe go shopping at a different time.

BETTER: Smart Sam has a smart phone. In fact Sarah has one too. Both have a tracking application that makes sure that if the phone is lost they can go on and see exactly where the phone might be. From time to time since Sarah can get lost, Sam looks and see's if Sarah is near where she meant to go.

DEFENSE: Install the program use it to your advantage to be where they are not and get what you need. Can also do a lie detector test by seeing where they are verse where they say they are.

8. Personal habits: People are sloppy especially when they are close to jumping ship from you. Improving ones appearance and not for you is pretty hard to hide unless they are sneaking out different cloths, perfume and markup.

BAD: Average Joe sees Sarah is getting things done around the house and really seems to be getting happier. She started wearing perfume, chewing gum and taking more showers. Joe thinks well there is a site. Maybe he and her can go out? Oh no, Sarah announces she'd like to go out on the town with her girlfriends. Joe think well she did work really hard and how can he say know she looks like a dream.

Sarah comes back late. She surprises Joe, but is a little tipsy. Joe thinks what the heck. A few more times of this and Sarah just says she's tired and want to take a shower and go to bed. She is sore.

BETTER: Smart Sam sees the hygiene of Sarah is improving. He compliments her and tells her how much he loves to kiss her no matter here breath or clothes or hair. He is proud of her hard work and would love to take her out on the town dancing! In fact they go with a nice couple they both enjoy. They have a great time and at the end of the night they share a special kiss as he reassures her how much he loves her and how grateful he is to have here in his life.

DEFENSE: Many times when they come home they forgotten and need to hit the shower to clean up anything let behind. Also they may have left a mess in the car. That might tell a story of more then one person: receipts, cups, gum wrappers, and smells. Odds are the car still smells as they were sitting in it coming home or going when it smelled the way it does. Also do the laundry lot of people forget they just stuffed that receipt in there back pocket.

Remember, some spouses want to get caught. There is a thrill factor to cheating that hiding and lying are exciting and new. They more emotion the better. To keep it up at that level it must become more and more public and risky to be satisfying. A fling 5 mins before you come home. Just imagine they are fulfilling some fantasy they see in those soaps. They start thriving on drama to make there lives like them to be adventurous.

Note: Like a shinny toy everything gets old especially if this is your type of spouse. They will not be satisfied or happy for long since they only focus short term like a person doing crack. They will be looking for another fix soon enough.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 3: Signs things are Not Right: Time and Money Metrics (Part 2)

CHAPTER 3: Signs things are Not Right: Time and Money Metrics 
Continued ........

Four, your spouse or girlfriend is jobless, penniless and/or not looking for work. It's a sign of financial irresponsibility. Even worse down the road if you just accept they don't need to be responsible, most likely you will be forced into SPLITTING ASSETS, SUPPORTING THEIR LIFESTYLE and/or PAYING FOR YOUR OWN KIDS YOU DON'T GET TO SEE that can surpass the length of your relationship and take away years of your life.

 

For example:

Sarah has a minimum wage job when you met her and you get married. You go to work as the bread winner for your family and start building your dreams together. You start to notice Sarah does not seem to be able to keep a job for a long time, but what she really wants is to be a home maker and start a family. Joe thinks I'm not sure if we are ready, but who knows it's our life and dives on. Sarah becomes pregnant and no longer works. Nine months later little Joe Jr. is born. Sarah decides to breast feed and stays home with the baby. Joe works overtime and even gets a second job to help out. He is not home as much as he would like but knows his family needs him. After about 1.5 years later, adding that 9 months in its been almost 2 and 1/2 years. Sarah and Joe are working on being parents and have went through a big change and a lot of hard work. Joe is still working hard as ever when Sarah drops they are pregnant again. Once more the cycle continues. So nearly 5 years pass and Sarah and Joe have 2 children. Sarah and Joe have had some good times and hard times. But recently harder than normal. Joe's been working tons and Sarah and the kids are spending even more money just on living expenses. Joe talks to Sarah about scaling back, but she does not stop. Sarah starts moving more toward being more outgoing and getting babysitters to go out instead of spending the only time she has with Joe, she avoids him. They start growing distant. They seem to disagree on things, money and kids. Sarah asks for sometime to spend outside the budge but many times she just does. Later she dabbles with the thoughts and words of divorce. “We fight all the time”, “We just don't agree on anything”, “Your unreasonable and uncaring about your family” she says. They do everything required to make it work they think, but divorce seems to be the path Sarah is choosing. She even has a best friend of the same sex. It's over. Joe goes to the lawyer to find; 7 years have passed. He's must split everything that is Marital property in half. His unemployed wife still needs money to keep her standard of living to not shock the child say $800 a month . Sarah also needs money for the kids maybe $1000 a month. Joe's income from working all those hours was pretty good 75k a year. He's finds out he will be paying her 1/3 of it so his “Do Nothing” can do just that. Joe has a sad face and a lot of long days ahead of him plus $15k of medical/credit card/house bills his wife ranked up that since he had the income he is responsible for.

Is there any wonder why the single family income is dead? Our legal system allows your spouse to have Authority to do whatever they want with NO accountability to their actions. In fact they get a paycheck for not working. This is the same mentality people abusing Social Security use that have no plan on being employed. Your spouse should be a Dream Builder and not a dream taker!

Note: There is nothing wrong with planning a family, but it is just that. If you can not plan together and work together to accomplish the goal or any goal; don't expect it to start down the road with out a cliff at the end. You may have a spouse that can not achieve goals together. That is not a good place to have children. You are risking this being your children's future Mom.

Five, your spouse or girl friend has low ambitions (also can be from low self image) and want to just tag along. They may have all the words in the world but no deeds or follow thru. Remember if your dragging someone early in the relationship odds are you will be dragging them later. It's a sign of co-dependence.

For example:

Joe met Sarah at a party and thought she was amazingly stunning. They started dating. Joe could not get enough time with Sarah. She had responsibilities, but Joe helped her out with them so they could run off.

Later, Sarah got a job, but would skip out to hangout with Joe. They were going to do something great and they just missed each other so much that Sarah asked if they could move in together into Joe's place. Joe goes to work and Sarah tries to get a job “she likes” again. She soon finds her self pregnant as they where not trying to prevent it. Sarah's family steps in. Joe and Sarah are just kids. The parents will foot the bill, but Joe is out of luck as Sarah is made to break up and Joe needs to stay employed to start paying child support. Joe pays and pays and the cycle starts again.

Six, a valuable lesson was learned about ways men are trapped without choice after having children and origins of the title of the book “Shutting Down Mom Inc.” comes from. Many of these chapters are effective in relieving facts about unraveling this observation. Most importantly beware girls/women that say “I just want to be a mom!”. It's like saying “I just want a House”. It's not a jobs title. It's a responsibility that they should be equally accountable for. Unlike popular statements that mom's are under paid, Mom Inc. pays very well if you divorce Dad the bread winner especially with Mommy friendly laws and a couple of kids. Even better when she gets the house the kids stay in. And even better when she has no responsibility to any of the marital debt because she did not produce any income during you marriage.

Saying “I just want to be a mom” is the same as saying I want to be jobless and you take care of me! Can I be your kids? My mom and dad won't pay for me anymore.

Seven, Spouse is abnormally mood swings (maybe suddenly happy or angry with no prompt (aka they are harboring feeling and thoughts) but when confronted they dismiss it. This is a sign of weakness in your relationship that can be exploited by others or just plain be uncovered by your spouse. If someone guessed your spouse was angry she might feel perfectly led to be emotionally available to others with no good intentions when that person should be you. A well positioned person can capitalize in a moment and normally does, because there is no defense. Even if its a medical condition it still is going to rip your heart open when you find out they cheated on you in a moment of weakness and in fact they have lots of moments of weakness. I've hear some say “we don't believe in Divorce”, but I promise you its as real as day and in black and white happening everyday of every year. Divorce is not the sin. Divorce did not cause the pain. It just acknowledging its existence and your desire to not wanting to live in it.

Eight, most obvious, if your spouse sees no problem with non-professional male friends.

I'm sorry guys we all have the same thoughts and biological drives deep down. Even a pastor of a church does not want to be in that position. Even some women can be this driver. Bad influences can surround them and tell them what they want to hear and not what they need to hear.

For Example:

Sarah and Joe are having a hard time and Sarah starts venting to her good friends. Others over hear her and her difficulties and offer to buy the poor lady a drink on them. The guy starts off and enters into the conversation and sympathizes/empathizes with her. Sarah thinks “wow, we have a lot in common”. The guy could be completely making it up or not either way the door has been opened and has displayed a place to invest emotionally that is not effort placed toward building Joe and Sarah's relationship. Sarah and Joe have been divided at a point of weakness.

Words of advice:

Some people feel obliged to forgive and forget (as best they can) cheating. But there is an issue with this. The cheater needs to be held accountable in the future. Just like an alcoholic should not have a liquor cabinet stocked with liquor and if your spouse really understands the damage they have done they will realized its permanent and they must openly embrace the problem and accept they need help to deal with it. So often we just give them back everything and pretend nothing happened. Forget that. It's Christian to forgive but not get killed inside unless its in defense of your Christian beliefs as a martyr. Adultery is grounds Biblically for divorce. God hates it, we hate it, but its reality. Do not feel guilty.

Scriptures:

Proverbs 27:16

(Referring to a quarrel some wife) restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 3: Signs things are Not Right: Time and Money Metrics (Part 1)

CHAPTER 3: Signs things are Not Right: Time and Money Metrics (Part 1)

I have hit a few ways already that you can know things are not right such as a break-down in communication, defensiveness, and insensitivity to ones concerns. Here are a few others tangible measures that might be able to gather a clearer picture.

First, I strongly believe in the values of Trust and Respect. In fact, I believe they relate to one another directly. This means as one decreases the other decreases or visa versa.

For example:
Joe has a reasonable request for the dishes to be cleaned by Sarah his wife as part of the daily house work. But everyday after work Joe comes home with them not done. In fact sometimes days go by and they remain undone. Joe's trust was given to his wife with the expectation of a result of care for both of them. He respects her ability and her way of accomplishing the required task. She accepts the responsibility. There is trust in TWO directions; he trusts her to accomplish what she promised and she trusts him to know the task is important as he is leading in both their interests.

The same thing can happen regardless of gender roles or leadership. What might not be realized by Joe or Sarah is by Saying one thing and doing another it is an act of disrespect and undermines their relationship’s trust.

Continued:

Joe hurt over the disrespect of his trust does not feel like reinforcing partial attention or affection. Sarah, expecting praise she desires finds her hopes dashed with little to no praise and starts doing even less.

Second, the prior effects from the initial cause directly lead to the summary that your spouse or girlfriend is lazy or does not care. Especially if you are compromising praise for effort; you deep down want it to be better, but you notice it becoming progressively worse. They may have lost hope. Hope in themselves and hope in you. They may be gliding by doing the minimum that will not prompt additional communication, well dwelling on their feelings of low self esteem.

Third, if your tasks requested are reasonable, maybe it's time to figure out where all the time is going.

Here are some common ones you might want to dig around and find out.

1. Online Games; How big is their Farmville(R)? (since its a time based game you can tell if weeks of time have been spent and if they are currently taking hours to do it.) (Passive)
2. How many Soap operas/TV Shows are they current on? (Passive)
3. Additional weight gain and eating (be it publicly or in secret) they are seeking comfort in something else (Passive)
4. Social Networking ex. Facebook: this is just like a chat room and can hide messages even more then Email, well looking completely innocent (Active)
5. Texting (deleting all texts) (Active)
6. Other entertainment activities: Shopping / Eating / Hanging out / Working out at the Gym (Active)
7. Social Entertainment Activities: Clubs, Girls nights, Bars, Movies, Hanging out with people other then you as a release. (Highly Active)

For example:
Joe goes to work and Sarah has a part-time job and gets off early. Joe and Sarah agree there are things around the house that need to be done and Sarah agrees to help out with the extra time she has. Joe notices not a lot is getting done, but also notices Sarah is online chatting a lot. Sarah starts asking to go out with Her friends and maybe even to a club to relax. Joe notices this is getting more frequent and nothing is getting done at all. She's dressing up nicer then when you both go out and later she tells you some guy said she had nice hair well she was out!

The more active your spouse or girl friend the more likely there are external influences and temptations. There is a reason almost all strong healthy married couples do not go to places without each other often. Even with the best intentions there are always influences and destructive attention but you need not invite them. If your spouse or girl friend is, they are looking for something else and its not you. Every relationship is different and some are tougher than others but NONE are not bulletproof. We are to guard and cherished our relationships. Your spouse pointing out compliments from another person of the opposite sex is a cry for attention ( jealousy or spite could be the root) . This is not healthy and that's when you are around! God knows that it is when you are not.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 2: Guilt

CHAPTER 2: Guilt

You may feel a lot of this through the process. Most importantly you can jump off the bus at anytime. Set this book down and no one will be the wiser. From my experience information is a tool and can be used how ever you want to or just set in the toolbox. It's important to realize your feelings are real, they are normal and in healthy relationships can be addressed without lasting conflict.

If you have been direct, open, and lovingly honest about your feelings with your spouse or girlfriend about your concerns, and are being ignored/misunderstood and you can accept that you may be fine.

But your reading this because honest to God something is making your “spidy” sense tingle. Concern is not something to feel guilt about... repeat that (even out loud), don't accept anything else. It's like feeling guilty for locking your door at night. “But no one has ever broken in?” your spouse says. But you know on the news there is a serial killer roaming the streets. Concern can be a form of love. People that don't concern have nothing invested. If your name is on T.V. as the next victim that's what ignorance buys you. This does not mean live in fear and worry. It means take the need steps that are reasonable to protect you and your spouse temptation.

God made all of you. You are the way you are (a lot of men think the exact same way, you are not alone) with your instincts intact. You determine when to put this to rest and odds are your spouse is not going to admit, see it as an issue nor make it go away for you. You must! So prove it to yourself.

Now before you go in be aware there are numerous responses to deflect your concerns and many eject mechanisms that can try to derail you.

Some options your spouse may employ:

1. Trying to isolate you, make you feel like your the one with the problem, anyone else's advice is a sign of weakness and is ridiculed, lies are stated, or false rumors are spread
2. Retreat, crying in avoidance, stop communicating, become defensive, make assumptions, lying (passive aggressive)
3. Yell, stop performing their obligations, read into things, become just pain mean and disrespectful with out warrant

There is a gambit of other methods of getting their way and avoiding topics. The better they know your buttons the better they press them. Be aware! Truth does not need much of a defense and love is a good enough motivation for action. Remember if your saying your hurt, a liars always has an answer and always will shift blame, but they can not stand scrutiny of the facts and outside independent observation. You may notice a lack of remorse as they do not have the emotion invested in you to care or concern.

The ideal hope is to put it to rest. Your values you share are critical to bonding your relationship, if you both agree that "Truth and Openness" is important in the relationship or marriage, you might be able to get by with a 10 minute conversation conveying mutual understanding every once in awhile and discusses differences to a respectful outcome. Your love for one another should be strong enough for this and is preferable to be that strong before you consider a long term relationship.

Odds are your past this point since your reading this book. So as you proceed remember, dark things when brought into the light tend to ignite like vampires in the noon-day sun. You begin to really see them. You must get ready for it if your going to test it. Have your tools in hand because you don't know what type of mess lies in wait.

Scriptures:

Job 24:13,15,17 (NIV) "There are those who rebel against the light, who do not know its ways or stay in its paths... The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; she thinks, 'No eye will see me,' and she keeps her face concealed... For all of them, deep darkness is their morning; they make friends with the terrors of darkness."

1 Cor 4:5b (NIV) He will bring into the light of day all that at present is hidden in darkness, and he will expose the secret motives of their hearts.

Trust Activity:

“Understanding your feelings and discussing them”

If you never have, sit down and have a heart to heart. If you have done this with your spouse or girlfriend and it went no where, it's still important to do it. If you need time to understand your feelings write them down and allow yourself time to develop them. If your more of a talking type speak to someone neutral like a Pastor and not anyone that can take advantage of a weakness in your relationship.

(Optional)

Later with your spouse or girl friend:

• Check if you can do a relationship building exercise

• Spend 5 minutes writing what's on your heart about yourself (take or give more time as needed)
• Discuss the thoughts taking turns and being understanding that their feelings maybe different then yours, but are just as real.
• Try to take small achievable steps and find middle ground if it exists.
• Take 5 minutes every few days and decrease the frequency if things improve.
• Add to it; steps and at least one short term promise to fulfill will help rebuild or reinforce your trust. Encourage any attempt.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CHAPTER 1: Is it to late for my marriage?

CHAPTER 1: Is it to late for my marriage?

You have that feeling in your stomach and doubt has set in. The charm has wiped off or maybe you feel dooped about who you thought you married. These are all normal feelings that can come and go. But more importantly is... what if your right? You are wondering.

Before we got married, she … (fill in the blank).

We just can't seem to stick to a budget.

I feel I've sacrificed almost everything I am and she has not budged.

She said she would, but … (always another excuse).

She just gets angry about everything.

Everything I say she takes as negative, no matter how I pour my heart out.

We can not have a conversation about responsibilities without her blaming me for something.

We don't talk any more about (finances / kids / large decisions / anything).

She belittles me. She has no confidence in me and acts like she does not want me around.

My marriage is ran like a business that's going under.

She's only happy till the next thing comes along.

I can't stop her from having doubts in our relationship.

That is not the woman I married!

She is just playing by her own rules and is not considering me.

She sure spends a lot of time … (fill in the blank) without me.

*** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.

CAHPTER 0: Preface: Is Mariage not working anymore?

Preface

Divorce! Oh God no! We don't talk about that. A perfectly normal response to how the American public reacts to that word. But I'm sorry to say when over 1 in 2 deal with it it's not a secret skeleton in the closet any more. There is a real problem. Our parents generation before us hopefully never had to deal with it, but also in not dealing with it they also did not learn anything about it. So they prepared their children for a world where the 'D' word is not uttered. We all signed up for marriage like it was a fairy tale and off we were set for an amazing time that we could not wait to experience. “Shutting Down Mom Inc.” is a book I wish I could time travel back and give myself when I started dating. The book is meant to be sound advice and techniques to protecting yourself from being used by your spouse or serious girlfriend. You might catch yourself saying “No, they would never” or “That's just inviting weakness into my relationship”. Lies! I tell you. Openness causes trust. We know this from the foundation of any relationship. We start with general conversation and by the time we are in a deep relationship we know the others (fears, loves, worries, dreams and more). We are not being open about this social reality and it is devastating another generation of young people. DIVORCE IS NOT THE SIN! ADULTRY IS, ANGER IS, WRATH IS, SLOTH IS, COVETOUSNESS IS... and on and on. Divorce is a man made remedy to not live in divorce's sin. God hates the sin and not the act of divorce. The following is an outline in as best systematic order as could be devised from real world experience of how to guard and protect yourself from being another badly broken individual. I wrote the following book out of passion and feelings of mixed love of my family and hate of the situation. The writing is like a manifesto and a reminder of a past not worth repeating. It lives as a reference. I pray it never be used as a weapon or a tool to harm. I only hope that we may live in truth, keep our passions alive and enjoy life as it was meant to be.

There is a lot about money and assets in this book, but also emotions and family. Some would think this a materialistic book, but I believe it is a combination that makes up life and trying to take back control of one's life when other person is trying knowingly or not steal it from you. You are no single object or occurrence but the sum of all those things. If your freedom to become who you wish is taken away along with the ability to bless your children in the way you wish them to grow-up I think this is far from a worldly view. It's stewardship of one's family, time and money. There are numerous ethical and moral decisions one needs to take, but this does not have to render you impotent and left frozen in fear. The goal is not only to live on, but to grow and prosper above and beyond what you ever could have in the soil of your previous infertile relationship.

Note: You may be in a different state in your relationship or not in one at all. These tools and words of wisdom will still apply and be relevant.

 *** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. I am not a lawyer and this is not to be construed as legal advice. For any legal decision see the proper legal representative. You are the master of your soul.